Rewind. Forward.

Dear diary,

Woke up at 11am feeling utterly groggy. Dragged myself out of bed to turn off the damned alarm and proceed to the bathroom to remove the retainer when all I wanted to do was to fall back to bed and hibernate for the next few hours till sun’s high up. I stared into the mirror, that swollen eyes of mine don’t look familiar at all. Guess I have never cried that much till those pair of eyes goes out of shape. I stupidly allowed my imagination to run back into the path of memories and realized tears once again, moist my cheeks as they broke free from the constraints of the lashes.

It ended. Along with the preceding year. I pulled the trigger, based on impulse, knowing that I can no longer go on with it as it will only tear down the walls I have built to protect my vulnerable self from the existing violence in the outside world. I figured at that moment, before I break free into the open space of emotional turbulence, that I desperately need a break, a break from the worst-case scenario. I figured if I don’t save myself in time, I would probably rupture in time to come. I figured the necessity to do the necessary. I figured.

I fell, along with the night that dawn. Along with the daylight that sinks, I fell. So much that I have dreamt that it is chaotic in the dreamland I fell into, just as the world outside of my comfort sheets. Just when I realized, I can’t just let it go at that moment. Not yet. I wish it wasn’t over. But it did in the end. Unfortunately. Fortunately. Echoes of fireworks sounded from a distant. In my head, I pictured how brilliantly beautiful and breathtaking they will look to everybody in that clear dark sky. In my head, I pictured how the fireworks explode in the sky, bringing away the bad omen that reigned over the lives of many, ushering the new year with a brighter perspective. As the old saying says, a new year, a new chapter.

So, I walked down the memory lane. Reminisced about everything all the way from the beginning. Tears streaked down my face so many times I didn’t care anymore. All I wish is to bring back those moments that once were precious to me and still are precious. In the end, it all amounted to one tacit confession, that my love for you, is deeper than you ever thought it would be, deeper than any root you can possibly find. And I need you to know, you are hurting me inside out, more than any pain any cuts or bruises can ever cause. You are the reason to my joy, my pain, my happiness, my despair. You are all the reason I ever needed.

In the end, I just need you to know. I love you. Even though it means to endure through the pain. I just need to do it from a distance, so that I save you, and save myself from everything that may be troubling and that may cause the rapids.

I am sorry from the beginning. I truly am. And, I love you from the beginning. I truly do.

Yours truthfully,

Lee Pei Ning.


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