amazing death;

Into The New World by SNSD

I knew I have a passion for this. I knew I have a passion to help people

Classes went great. In fact, tutoring was better. It is where all the things get real. I love the communication, I love the interaction.
Working with these three Chinese students gave me a lot to think about. They are learning from me, but at the same time, I am learning from them and learning from myself.
I love and appreciate the heart to heart pillow talk under the tree behind Macomb Hall with them in the warm afternoon. Seeing the tears of helplessness and relief fall down all at the same time was overwhelming. I can and cannot imagine being in their shoes. It must be so tough and miserable for them to go through this ordeal of having to learn, deal and communicate with other people in a foreign language that you were given a limited time and resources to learn and expected to be phenomenal at it.
My throat died tonight for one reason - to make sure that these three students succeed. That was all that matters. It was the satisfaction that I get at the end of it. A satisfaction that goes beyond just being able to help them in their studies. I was literally explaining every sentence of the reading of "Thinking As A Hobby" by William Golding to them, repeating my explanation over and over again slowly to make sure that they understand the words coming out of my mouth. However, at the same time I was doing all the talking and explanations, I was amazed at my ability to comprehend myself. I was intrigued at the amazing content that I was able to discover as I go through the reading in depth. I had goosebumps and chills playing catching at the back of my spine. The feeling was incredible. This feeling

Tutoring ended at 10pm. Came back at 10.30pm. The first thing I wanted to do was to shower but curfew was at 11pm so I had to wait. When it was all finally done, Matt called me on a trip to University Police to get an ice pack for a girl who sprained her ankle. Finally! I was in the nice shower. The water was colder than I wanted it to but it would not heat up, just like how it was the past few days. As I was completely covered in soap, I saw some light flashing at the top of the ceiling and I vaguely hear some sounds that was somewhat like a fire alarm to me. Took me quite some moment before I came to my senses that cuss words started spewing out of my mouth.
"This is not happening! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! F***!"
I was panicking in the shower trying to wash all the soap away from my body. Was literally scooping the bubbles out of the way. I was traumatized. Seeing that I am a tutor counselor and definitely not being able to strut out of the building wrapped in my towels, I had to run back upstairs and put some clothing on. Well, there I was, scurrying out in my jean jacket and Adidas pants with my hair dripping wet towards where all the other TCs, Food and Wellness coordinators, the Program Coordinator and the rest of the students. That was my walk of shame. Nevertheless, I believe everyone took pity on me.
Speak about FML

Tuition fees was put out officially today. It went up A LOT! This is so not happening to me and all the students. This is so unfair! Speak about FML again.
Here it is. Ending my night in such a depressing and miserable way.
Just trying to be a little more optimistic, I took a long nap today, which was something rare as a pink diamond. Moreover, I will be having my night off tomorrow so I could rest. No tutoring for me to miss so everyone else is not missing out on much as well. Hmm...

I guess it is time to wash up and go to bed now that I just hard cored drying my hair and it is good enough for bed.

Till then!


Pei Ning

Freudian slip,

Heaven Can Wait by We The Kings

Yeah. Heaven can wait because right now I am paying a visit to hell first.
I am not saying that  I am a bad person.
Just that I made a terrible mistake that I should not be making at all.
My mouth is a terrible system that I have no control over at all. The words that come out of it can be so crude that can easily hurt other people's feelings. I realize that, I have been trying my hardest to work on it. Seems like I am not working hard enough

As some of you may already know, I am working for this EOP program right now. I deal with pre-freshmen students who needs help. As a tutor/counselor, I play a crucial role and is almost like the backbone for the success of this program.
Just moments ago, I made a terrible remark that I should not be even close to saying it at all as a TC. What was worse was that I said it to my program coordinator, Matt, who is kind of like a person that I was supposed to report to. In another words, he's my boss.
"You look drunk."
I am terribly sorry for making that remark about him in front of other TCs and especially the students. It was like disrespecting him and trying to make him look like a bad person in front of everyone.
I hate my mouth right now. I am not going to the extreme to hoping that I was mute, but sometimes I just hope that I'll just stfu and mind my own business.
If I could just please do that sometimes, I will be thankful.

Sigh. I had my walk of shame out of the room. Now I am going to hide inside my hole of shame and just reflect upon myself.
Point being: I need to stop saying dumb shit.

Not proud at all.

Pei Ning


Better In Time by Leona Lewis

These things work magic. They are miraculous.
Unfortunately, this is not something very common from where I grew up. Now that is cultural differences. Since young, I hardly receive praises from anyone. Teachers, friends.
Well, I have very good parents. They were very supportive of me. They praise me for my achievements, they do not condemn me of my failure but merely give me motivational advices.
The funny thing about my parents is that they are EXTREMELY afraid that I might turn out mentally challenged. My siblings are undeniably intelligent. As the youngest among my siblings, I am often reminded of that pressure to "keep up the good work" whenever they come home with some amazing achievements. I am always flabbergasted by how they manage to be such achievers.
The fact is that my parents see that in me, my burning desire to do as good as my siblings or better. They know that failing is not an option for me. They know it. And that is why they are so afraid that I might be too hard on myself that I go crazy or something. Certainly, they do not wish to receive a phone call in the middle of the night from my school, all the way from the United States, saying that their daughter has ended up in an asylum or what not.
Believe me or not, they even had this conversation about committing suicide with me.
"Pei Ning, we spent so many years, so much money, raising you so that you can be a great person. If only one day you decide to commit suicide, all our efforts, poof, gone. Not only that, along with those investments we had in you, there comes feelings and love. If only one day you decide to commit suicide, mummy and daddy will be very sad ohhhhh..."
Yeap. There you go. Those words, straight forward it may sound, but it is true. Those words are right there, carved in my heart. This means so much more than just a simple message of not committing suicide when you give up on life. This means to stay strong and pull through hell hole.

On the side note, I cracked open a fortune cookie that says: "Bravery is the capacity to pull through even though you are scared to death."

Coming to the United States certainly is challenging. All around me are people who came from different cultural backgrounds. The Americans. They are very honest and direct. They see each other, they greet each other. "Hey. What's up?" "Hey how's it going?" "Hey. How are you?" Well, till now I am still getting used to replying to those questions. Most of the time, I had to think for a long while before replying "good", which ends the conversation and makes people think I am weird. Truth is, we're different. I am not used to this.
In America, people do Rock Paper Scissors Shoot. In Malaysia, we do Scissors Paper Stone

This Summer in EOP, I open my eyes up to more things. The learning process never ends and this is what makes life so interesting. It is still five days into the program and it is still training period, but I am already loving this program. I am praised by my colleagues all the time and I am certainly learning to praise other people and trying to feel comfortable and natural with it. I am trying. I am learning.
Yesterday was my first time playing a real volleyball game and I am already loving it! The experience is certainly different from playing it back in high school. The ball is lighter and it doesn't hurt as bad as the ones from high school. Not to mention that I sprained my hand somehow in the process of it. However, being the person who loves sports, I was doing rather okay I would say. My colleagues were extremely supportive of me, constantly praising me and giving me second tries or reassurances when I mess up. I adore the feeling of it.
"Yo people! Evelyn's a natural man! She's a natural!"
"That was good man. That was good."
"No don't worry about it. It is just a game."
"Don't worry Evelyn. We don't play money in this game."
Every time someone starts to be too focused on the game and breaking up the spirits in sports, we get people to remind everyone that we should not forget that we are just playing to have fun. I absolutely adore this kind of learning environment. I just think it is very stimulating and keeps the team spirit high. It keeps you motivated and hopeful.
Matt, the program coordinator, he praised me several times when we are playing game and after.
"Something about Evelyn is that she is always willing to try new things." "And she is good at stuff!" Chris said. That made me melt happily inside.
Partnered with Matt several times and he's really supportive of the team. It feels great because you know deep down that he has your back. I just love the honesty and appreciation that one can benefit from being in this kind of positive and stimulating learning environment. It just makes you want to keep on going and succeeding in your role and responsibilities.

For now, I really can't wait for the students to come in and see what this team can bring to the table. At the same time, I would love to see what I can achieve and witness for myself how much I have learned and to be able to put the things I have learned throughout training period into great use. I am really looking forward to this Summer and see what comes.
This might sound a little too confident but...



That's me right there.
That's right.
I am a perfectionist.

Pei Ning

EOP Summer Institute Program 2012

Young Forever by The Ready Set

My first intention on signing up for this program is just to fill up my Summer. Instead of doing nothing, I want to do something.
Honestly, I had no idea what I signed up for. I had no idea what this program was about, what I'll be going through and even my responsibilities. I am just completely dumb and blind about my Summer job. And this was not long before, when I still call this - a job.
A Summer job

I would say it has been a great lunch outing and a mere 24 hours prior to moving into Macomb Hall that I finally discover a new shade to this 'job' that I signed up for. Turns out, I actually signed up for something, way beyond my expectations that actually caught me off guard. Not to mention, they gave the staff single rooms :P

This whole Summer Institute actually has greater meaning than I thought it did just this morning when I woke up to Flo-rida. This program, despite being this mere first day of training (more like an introduction), seems like it is going to exciting and might even provide me one hell of an experience to my already interesting college life in the States.
I have been hearing great feedbacks about this program from former staffs and students and especially from the EOP office staffs that have been involved in this program for the past few years. I think this is going to be real fun, albeit some down and depressing moments that we will face along the way but this is life! Isn't it? Not every moment is glorious and smooth-sailing.
I am starting to feel it. Beginning to be attached to this program and the people that I will be working with for the next month to come. The experience that I had on this first day (and it is not completely over yet), is already mind-blowing and motivating.
One piece of advice that I got from Michele Carpentier was that we have to look back into history and be grateful for what we have right now. The opportunities and privileges that were given to us through someone else's sacrifices. "People actually died fighting for what we have right now." I just thought that was really inspiring.

Well, the position that I am at right now, I am going to think twice before calling this a job that I signed up for unknowingly.

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. - William James

Till then,

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