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自责

小酒窝 - 林俊杰,蔡卓妍

这,我从来都没有要求任何你给不到我的东西。
这,我从来都没有要求过任何你办不到的事情。
这,我根本没有咄咄逼人。
天真的我,一直都在渴求着一段美好的爱情故事。
也许,我真的太无知了。

我真的很需要一个可靠的人, 陪伴着我度过身活的点点滴滴。
但感觉上,我就一步一步地向前迈进,你却在途中停滞了脚步。
当我累了,想休息了,想要原本身旁的你让我擦汗,想要靠在你结实的肩膀上,转了身体,却不见了你。人呢?
可我也停下了,耐心等待着你的归来。
我也不断的找理由,提你说好话,更曾认为你到别处去替我买水来了。
等呀等,人也少了,美丽的晚霞也出现了,把整个天空点缀得缤纷无比,你却依然无影无踪。
我也就从此没见过了你。

无缘无故,真的很想痛苦一场,真的很希望你在我坠弱时从次出现,把我从山崖救了回来。
真的在期盼着你从我身后紧紧地把我搂着,嘴里不断的安慰着我,并答应我你不会再把我弃下。
为什么你就从来都不体会一下我呢?难度真的是这样高吗?

但我并没有全怪在你身上。
无奈的同时,我更感到自责。
全都怪我当时过于冲动,没三思而后行,造成了今时的惨剧。
我也为了这,哭成了泪人,但也挽不回曾经的过错。
我不断地想,如果当时我忍气吞声,也许也还可以维持原本无暇的感情,也许也就没有今天的尴尬。
我失去了对你的安全感,也不知道你心上是否还有丝毫对我的爱。
总怕你有一天真的离开了。总怕一直以来都是纯真的我一厢情愿。
总怕我根本从开始,一直在犯错。
你是否再责怪着我?是否还在犹豫着这段感情?是否在怨恨着我?

真怀念从前的我们
佩宁

sweet serenade.

Speak Now - Taylor Swift

As time ticks pass, my hope gradually fades. More like drowned with the minutes. But I'm struggling to stay up, so that I can continue to wait, whereas you probably are at somewhere, oblivious of my anticipation.
Woke up today feeling weary and groggy with a mild aching of the stomach. Half-boiled egg and hot chocolate for breakfast. mmm... Very unusual and delicious.
Went out for shopping with the family at MidValley and the Gardens. Our greatest motivation then was to find a shirt for daddy for new year, turned out, he didn't get anything while I bought a cute sailor-like polo T from Nautica. That sums up to 7 pieces of garments for new year. Omggg... The most in my new year outfit history. Would've added one more dress from Cotton On to the list but mummy said since I'm transferring to US already, I shouldn't buy too many clothes cause I can't bring too many over. Cruel truth always hurts. :(
Obligated to do spring cleaning with the family tomorrow. I loathe. Cause I'll always end up sneezy and sniffy after. Its not fun. Especially to catch a flu caused by dusts. Its disgusting. Just imagine dust particles entering your nose, then lungs? ohemgeee...
.

Anyways, I'm still working on my personal statement. How inefficient a person like me can be. I should totally stop playing Tetris Battle on Facebook and start working on my uni applications. Deadlines are nearing dear. Get to work. Just how many times I need to remind myself. -.-

Checklist:
- Abnormal Psychology assignment
- Study for Western Civilization quiz
- Personal statement
- Uni application forms
- Spring Cleaning
- Celebrate Chinese New Year

The holiday is never enough. :(
Pei Ning.

Riesling.

Was the name of the wine drank the other day at The Wine Company in Singapore. It was nice.
So, Chinese New Year is less than a week away and frankly speaking, it doesn't feel like it is approaching at all.
No excitement. No anticipation. Nothing.
Such a disappointment huh? Yeah I know better.
I'm guessing maybe its because it is so close to the other festive like Christmas and New Year, that people have not wrapped up their enthusiasm for the aforementioned days. Well, speaking from my point of view, I was still singing Jingle Bells song in Calculus class today. Yes I was that lame and distracted.
Oh but I was not alone. Mitchell, who was sitting right beside me, was humming this Looney Tunes theme song at such high pitch that when I finally asked him a question, he did not manage to tune his voice back down and answered me with a chipmunk-sounds-alike voice. I was certain that I stunned for a little while, then started laughing hysterically with him joining in beside. It was hilarious and awkward.
Anyway, another reason could be that time is passing way too fast. In case you people hadn't realize, January is coming to its end already. Then February is on its way. Then March. Then April. Then December. Then 2012. Then 2020. Then we become old. Then we die. Or maybe, we'll all just die next year when the world comes to an end.
But think again. If there were to be a functional clock which has never stopped in the past 50 years, then it can probably tell us if time has increased in speed (its hard not to believe that it hasn't). Could it be that we have been too busy with things that we don't realize time has come and gone? Could it be that we have been way to leisure just as the saying, 'time flies when you're having fun'? Well, these are the questions we ought to ask ourselves. Self-reflection time!
One last reason that I can think of - nobody really cares about Chinese New Year this time round.
Nevertheless, Chinese New Year wouldn't be quite a nice one without a complete family to celebrate with you. Chinese New Year wouldn't be quite a nice one with so many things from college and everything left to worry about. Chinese New Year wouldn't be quite a nice one with so many things left to complete during the generous week break from the extremely stressful life events. Chinese New Year wouldn't be quite a nice one without having a nice and harmonious get together among family and friends (some people just have to strip off their disgusting facade and learn to truly care again).

This is Evelyn, sincerely wishing all folks out there a Happy Chinese New Year.
Peace.

Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them. - Vincent McNabb


rawr

hell yea!
Mroar~

okthxbye.

"Bride Knight"

Those are the moments I won't give up for anything else...

Just a little something that I have to get out of my head and I don't want to do it in Twitter cause I tweeted a lot today. :/
"You know what you can do? You can stuff your head into the toilet bowl, and flush the hell out of yourself. Then you can go around and try to convince people that you have a well functional mind cause you just proved that you don't."
I know its nonsensical and random but it has been bothering me so much since just now.
Do any of you actually talk to yourself? As in literally talking like you're talking to somebody but the conversation is all directed towards yourself. As in you ask the question and you answer yourself.
Oh no confession time! I do. Especially in the shower. I'm crazy! I'm schizophrenic! *gasp*
And it is in the shower, when all the most random and nonsensical stuffs will come attacking my mind. You know like how the psychologists will say that the unconscious will manifest your mind and your dreams when you sleep? It seems like the unconscious is manifesting my mind as well when I shower! Okay now I'm convinced that I'm losing my mind a little.

Anyway, today's Developmental Psychology lecture was a little better than the last. I did not fall asleep. But something else was more distracting than ever! It was a girls hair. It was curled. And it has some white unknown particles on it! Not a few but a lot! We were guessing that its her scalp. Ewww... Disgusting!
Oh... *rewind rewind*
Sleep wasn't good at all. Had very disturbed sleep patterns since the last few days. I'm officially zombified.
*rewind some more*
I went to Singapore last Wednesday evening and came back on Sunday night.
Main reason: my grandmother's birthday.
Main joy: bought two really adorable men T-shirts for myself from a shop called Vintage:FB. But who cares? Its so cute that even though its over-sized (obviously), i'll still wear it to public area. Bleh...
Main amusement: the MRT announcer. "Next station, Novena" :D Bliss.
Nothing else special besides liking some childish moments with the sister.
*forward forward forward*
Watched Easy A. Its kinda a nice movie. I pity the character.

Rant of the day: Study please. You have a quiz tomorrow. kthxbai.

Pei Ning

contradiction?

Now listening - Mum talking on the phone -.-

from title:
Very much thank you.
Recently, I've been fighting a strong urge to not procrastinate and work hard for this semester b'sides being a goddamn slacker like I used to. Heh, by saying that, I feel like Hercules or some awesome kick-ass warrior. But, no. I'm not one.
Plus, there's been a great contradiction for me to stop complaining and ranting at whoever I bump into about my university application and START APPLYING damn it.
I apologize for the vulgarity because I am so darn tired and frustrated in dealing with such contradictions.
Its not funny anymore. Seriously. I should've done it much earlier.
Too late for regrets. Too late to die young.
.

Oh so this morning's Developmental Psychology class was utterly boring that I fell asleep. There was a funny yet embarrassing moment which I will come to that later. So basically the lecturer was going on about bearing a child, child labor, child birth. Too much of emphasis that I was disgusted. Quite. Pretty sure Amanda was too.
At one point of time I was too tired to continue listening to her sleep-inducing speech that I let my head rest on my arm and slept. I am pretty sure I fell asleep. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I jerked myself awake. It was so funny as if I was scrambling to find a shore in the midst of drowning in a pool of water. Now when I think back, I can't stop laughing my ass off. It was that funny.
Incident spectator: Amanda & Gilberto :D
Amanda came to hold me still immediately after I jerked. Aww so nice of her. But ITS SO FUNNY!
,

Was rushing with time as I anxiously waited for my turn to come behind that never-ending cue at the bursary. The lady who grumbles a lot came back from her lunch break and commented on how people like to pay on the last day. Woman! Its not even the last day of payment la! Get your facts right. -.-
Mummy came to pick me up from main block at 1.30pm to the hospital for my last immunization injection for Hepatitis B. Pardon the weird me; oh how I LOVE injections. :D
,

Rushed back to college, just in time for my Calculus replacement class. At the beginning was quite a little of a struggle but after that, it was slightly okay because we were doing Differentiation, something we have already done back in high school. Then the questions became tougher and I was stuck again. Oh well. Whoever said Calculus was easy was a freak. Just proven my point, Cassandra is a freak. kthxbai.
.

CK dropped by college and brought Sarah, Lynn and I out to Mid Valley for food. Was my late lunch. Really late. It was already five something then. So I ate a packet of nasi lemak and a kuih at Nyonya Colors and shared a box of chilly fries with them at Carl's Jr. Dinner at seven as usual and I can still eat my food. Just proves how hungry I was.
From seven something in the morning till five something in the evening, just two packets of biscuit to keep the stomach full. How can?

Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. - Voltaire



EvelynLee.

discontentment.

Like A Star - TaeYeon & The One

Officially, i'm still 18. Two more years to finally step out of my teenage life.
But (oh damn i hate buts cause the rest of the sentences always suck. Always!), technically, I have to act like a 19 year old already when I just turned 18 less than a month ago! That sucked. December babies will totally understand what I'm talking about.
When people start asking, how old are you, my natural response will be 18 (for now) cause obviously I just turned 18 and its not wrong to say that. Just tell me how you're gonna tell people you're 19 year old when you're barely there?
Oh sorry I'm beating round the bush and going about in circles over the same thing. Ah... just what you'll get when a girl starts rambling on and on that you wanna give her a slap right there in her bitchy face. Okay I did not just said that. *cancels cancels*
But I digress. I was talking about how... Oh nevermind, i've finished what I needed to say.

So, university application hasn't been looking up for me. First cause I'm still procrastinating like A LOT. Second cause I got ffk-ed by my counselor who was supposed to meet me on Friday morning cause we made an appointment and she confirmed it. Oh well, just my luck. Friday wasn't quite a good day to me yet it wasn't quite bad. I started like hell, but turned out to be quite okay in the end. Watched some really funny and touching local production movie in the cinema. Thumbs up. Forgotten the movie title but it was something with the word sky in it.

Mehh, its Monday all over again. I shall come up with something more meaningful and less lifeless like this post soon so that I can kick this down and prevent scaring people off my site. Till then!

Peace out.

cliché

Pergi - Aizat

You know, it is such a cliché to start a class by saying, "Hello everyone. This is ... class. My name is ... ."
You know, it is such a cliché to end one by saying, "Okay we shall stop here. I shall see you in the next class."
Can't the lecturers think of something different to say? Something less predictable. Something sophisticated to catch the students' attention. Something interesting.
Something like, "So, the sky is clear today and hope that helps you concentrate in class better! *grins* I'm ... .Shall we begin now by going through the course outline? *grins again* "
Something like, "Any questions to ask before I dismiss the class so that we can all go home and sleep?" to end the class.
I really liked how Dr. O'Neal ended her Introduction to Research Methods class last semester by throwing chocolates to the class. Really.Sophisticatedly.Uniquely.Different
,

Previously, I was in such bad dilemma in deciding what subjects to take for this semester. Seems like there are plenty of subjects for me to take for this semester, hence, I was indecisive. After my last trial class this morning, I made my decision so abruptly and felt pretty confident with it that it was a little scary. It was Research Methods class with Winnie Chong. Of course, she is a very very good lecturer. There's no doubt to it. But the fact that I have no choice but to pay a 110% attention during her classes is stressing me out. There's no possible way that I can possibly do that. Today was the first class. Bad enough, she already had 3 quizzes given right on the spot. Short time constraint. Extreme obsessive compulsive disorder. I just can't take classes like that. Too much of stress that my stress level meter will literally explode. Plus, if i were to take this subject, that will mean that I would have to attend 3 classes which stretch from 8am till 6pm, all three classes will eventually lead to brain fried brain dead moments. So its a bad idea after all.
Class today was really stressful.
Everything flashed past and every scene comes in so abruptly and bombs you in the face and leaves just like that. Too much for the brain to take in. Definitely not a class where you get too bored and start dozing off. Definitely not a very wise thing to do to fall asleep during class.
,

You know, it is such a cliché to start the year with New Year resolution which includes getting good grades this year and stop slacking or study harder than I used to. Well, I don't usually have New Year's resolution but I do, tell myself at the beginning of every year, every semester that I will study harder and more consistently this semester to get better grades than I used to. I do! Turned out, last minute things, still, remain as components in completing my courses. I have to change that. With Mitchell by my side. I shall survive Calculus. With Amanda by my side, I shall survive History of Western Civilization, Developmental Psychology and Abnormal Psychology. I shall survive this semester. *high hopes* :)

Note: Today my college mate told me that my Chinese name is so cute. *:)

friends_foreverrr_by_s_s_j-d36et9l

Lovely, Pei Ning.

1, 2, 3 !

N-Dubz ft. Bodyrox - We Dance On

Today is the 8th of January, 2011. It may be just another ordinary day for many of you out there but it certainly is not for me.
Today, is Justin's birthday. He turned 20 today! Not to tease but sad for him. His age does not start with a one in front no more. *please insert expression here*
Today, is my TOEFL examination day. Err... Basically, I think I screwed up some parts here and there. I have no idea what happened because everything was happening so fast and all I could do was to read, listen, think, write and speak so fast while keeping track of the time remaining. Chaotic. I saw some people speaking so loudly and animatedly with all the hand gestures and forced out accent. Pretty weird. Sean was on my right while Cassandra was on my eight o'clock. Everything went fast and at the end of it, I wasn't even sure if I've done alright or not. At the end of the test, they asked to either report or cancel your answers. I was so scared that I accidentally click on CANCEL and there goes my answers and efforts. Well, I made sure I click on the right one. Still a little worried over that though. I never liked questions like that where one answer can affect a whole lot of things. Never.
Today, I hung out with Clement. It always has been nice, hanging out with him. Somehow. One way or another. Ate out at Manhattan. Seafood Chowder soup, Fish and Chips with Dory, iced lemon tea, and I'm officially stuffed. Skipped dinner cause I was so full. Plus, lunch was later than usual.
Today, had fun chatting with friends online. Haven't done that in quite a while I guess.
Today, found out that my high school friends actually gotten me a birthday present. I am so touched and overwhelmed, despite not yet, seen the present itself. After all, its my FIRST ever time, receiving present from my friends for my birthday. Really happy. Thank you peeps. Love you all.
Today, wasn't that bad of a day after all. Notwithstanding having to wake up earlier than usual for the TOEFL test.
Today, are one of the days I will anticipate and hope for in the future.

Till then, xoxo

candy muffins; -

Peaches - New Heights

You know how irony always occur in our lives?
Like how young kids will hope their growth process will speed up so that they can be adults sooner? Like how when you are in your first few years of elementary school, you hope to be 12 and then get on with high school? Like how when you are 12 you hope time pass faster so that you can be 18 in no time?
In a complete opposite perception, it is ironic how when you turn 18, you wish you never turned 18. You wish to turn back time so that you can go back to your joyous childhood days. Like as you grow older, you tend to reminisce more. Like when you are finally in your 70s, you always look back into your past and say 'those were the days'.
I guess even though I go through slight bits and pieces of these kinds of dilemmas, I am proud to say that I was a true kid. I remember not always thinking about how if I were 18, how if I were a grown up instead of a young kid then. I just love how my childhood days passed by with such ease and carefree. Yet, now, I wish I never grew up. Though I know, just as everyone else, growing is inevitable, something we cannot put a stop to, unfortunately. As I am writing, Jeremy tweeted, 'dont wanna move on. sometimes i wanna stay at a certain point, and enjoy the breeze.' Really. There's no doubt to that statement, that hope, that wish, that crave.
I can't seem to drown myself into the cruel fact, that I am already 18, I should act, think, plan like an adult right now. I don't want to grow up. I want to stay young forever like song by Jay-Z.
Just moments ago, when I was in the shower, I realized I was playing with bubbles, just like how I usually do back then. But when the bubbles burst and disappear in mid-air, I was snapped back into the present along with the burst bubble. Oh how disappointed I was then.
Selfishly, I want time to freeze at present. I want my childhood back.  :'(
.

You know how dilemmas always occur in our lives?
Like how when you need to make decision between two things you want so badly? Like how you need to select from a wide variety of collection? Like how you are forced to make a choice when you personally dread to and wish you never had to?
Dilemmas.
I never had such bad dilemma in choosing my subject since my first semester in college. Really. Yet this time round, I almost driven myself nuts making choices between subjects. The feeling? Not good at all. I certainly had a damn hard time deciding what combination of subjects that I need to take. I think so far, I have already switched my subjects for at least 5 times. Really crazy stuff. While others seemed to be fine with their subjects selection, I drowned in the process. Swallowed liters of water, bloated lungs, passed.
.


It feels different. Somehow.

Love, PeiNing.

broken bubble.

Today My Life Begins – Bruno Mars

Don’t leave. Please. Stay. Its nice to be in the dark, right? You can relax a little. No brittle smiles. No air kisses. No sarcasm. Forget the stress. The worry. The petty skirmishes. Life is too short. Too short for cruelty. Close your eyes. Embrace the moment
.

I am going to miss you a lot. Going to miss us being together a lot. Going to miss staring at your pretty face when we cam. Going to miss staring at you while you fall asleep. Going to miss sleeping on your lap while you sleep on mine when you’re tired. Going to miss stroking you as you fall asleep. Going to miss you, doing the same to me as I try to fall asleep through your beautiful distractions. Going to miss tickling you at your palm giving you that tingly feeling. Going to miss you, tickling me back so that I get to enjoy that tingly feeling as well. Going to miss blowing into your ears while you cringe to it almost every time. Going to miss you, blowing into mine so furiously as you lock me in your arms when I try to escape from it. Going to miss you, locking gaze into my eyes as I try to avoid it awkwardly when I love so much about it. Going to miss dirty talking with you because nothing else feels better knowing that you only do so to ease my throbbing headaches. Going to miss you, giving me virtual kisses whenever clock shows a series of ones. Going to miss you, wishing me good night with all the sweetest words a girl ever wish to hear. Going to miss you, calling me names that remind me of how much I am loved. Going to miss you, giving me butterflies over and over again through you littlest actions. Going to miss you, making my heart skip beats as you do things I can never dream of when I least expected. Going to miss you, holding my hands constantly when we together, as if knowing that I adore holding yours. Going to miss feeling safe whenever you tighten your grip on mine as we approach empty alleys. Going to miss kissing you because it means way more than just some simple lip therapy that you give me. Going to miss hugging you, when all I feel is that the world is crashing down on me and when I need emotional support badly. Going to miss lying down on your chest, hearing that calm heartbeat of yours as it calms mine at the same time. Going to miss you, randomly bringing up topics that skip by so fast that I lose track and start laughing helplessly. Going to miss smiling crazily every time we chat on msn. Going to miss staring at your beautiful picture that pops up every time I receive a text message from you. Going to miss how you always manage to reassure me whenever there’s doubt. Going to miss your sweet talks that never fail to make my heart melt and all mushy inside. Going to miss doodling on the never ending draft on blogger, though never ending seems like it has finally meet its end now. Going to miss how everything about you, constantly reminds me of how lucky a girl I am. The list goes on, but one thing for sure, I am definitely going to miss every single thing about us being together. I never regretted from the first day we met.

Yours truly,
the girl who misses the past.

Rewind. Forward.

Dear diary,

Woke up at 11am feeling utterly groggy. Dragged myself out of bed to turn off the damned alarm and proceed to the bathroom to remove the retainer when all I wanted to do was to fall back to bed and hibernate for the next few hours till sun’s high up. I stared into the mirror, that swollen eyes of mine don’t look familiar at all. Guess I have never cried that much till those pair of eyes goes out of shape. I stupidly allowed my imagination to run back into the path of memories and realized tears once again, moist my cheeks as they broke free from the constraints of the lashes.

It ended. Along with the preceding year. I pulled the trigger, based on impulse, knowing that I can no longer go on with it as it will only tear down the walls I have built to protect my vulnerable self from the existing violence in the outside world. I figured at that moment, before I break free into the open space of emotional turbulence, that I desperately need a break, a break from the worst-case scenario. I figured if I don’t save myself in time, I would probably rupture in time to come. I figured the necessity to do the necessary. I figured.

I fell, along with the night that dawn. Along with the daylight that sinks, I fell. So much that I have dreamt that it is chaotic in the dreamland I fell into, just as the world outside of my comfort sheets. Just when I realized, I can’t just let it go at that moment. Not yet. I wish it wasn’t over. But it did in the end. Unfortunately. Fortunately. Echoes of fireworks sounded from a distant. In my head, I pictured how brilliantly beautiful and breathtaking they will look to everybody in that clear dark sky. In my head, I pictured how the fireworks explode in the sky, bringing away the bad omen that reigned over the lives of many, ushering the new year with a brighter perspective. As the old saying says, a new year, a new chapter.

So, I walked down the memory lane. Reminisced about everything all the way from the beginning. Tears streaked down my face so many times I didn’t care anymore. All I wish is to bring back those moments that once were precious to me and still are precious. In the end, it all amounted to one tacit confession, that my love for you, is deeper than you ever thought it would be, deeper than any root you can possibly find. And I need you to know, you are hurting me inside out, more than any pain any cuts or bruises can ever cause. You are the reason to my joy, my pain, my happiness, my despair. You are all the reason I ever needed.

In the end, I just need you to know. I love you. Even though it means to endure through the pain. I just need to do it from a distance, so that I save you, and save myself from everything that may be troubling and that may cause the rapids.

I am sorry from the beginning. I truly am. And, I love you from the beginning. I truly do.

Yours truthfully,

Lee Pei Ning.

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