unconditional love;

Freedom and It's Owner by King of Convenience

I know the past Sunday was Father's Day. However, this post is dedicated to not only my old man, but also my first lady

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Everyday I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have this pair of couple in my life, loving me unconditionally since even before I was born. I may not remember all the wonderful things they have given me when I was an infant, but I can certainly be thankful for the love and care that I have received from looking at the I in the present day

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When I was young and naive, I used to dislike the fact that I share the same birthday as him.

"Owh shucks, I can't have my very own birthday cake on my birthday. I can't blow all the candles on my own. I'll have to share the limelight with him." *pouts*

Till this date, I still can't believe that I used to be so blinded by those materialistic things that I have overlooked how blessed I am! To share the same birthday as one's father is possibly one of the best gifts in life! Of course, I believe I became his best birthday present in his entire life. Oh I would give anything to see how elated he was when I was ushered into this world.

When I was young and naive, I used to dislike the fact that she is always up against the hair at the back of my neck, constantly pestering me with something and being all nosy.

"Would she stop nagging? Urgh, stating the obvious. I will get to it eventually." *annoyed*

Being away from home definitely made me realise so many goodness to those nagging. Talking to mom helped me understand the myriad reasons behind her altruistic intentions. We would share tears as we converse, despite being thousands of miles away from each other. Of course, it still bothers me from time to time, but instead of throwing tantrums, I would silently consent to her yattering

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As my age went from single digit to double, I was slowly understanding the true sentimentality of birthdays. I completed elementary school, went on to middle school, graduated from high school, furthered my studies in college. As I do so, I was gradually peeling away the petty and superficial celebrations that most people see as the world to their birthdays, digging deeper and closer into the true nostalgia for this special day;

I no longer long for parties that I never had as a child, cakes, presents, phony greetings and wishes, etc. I just wanted it to be a reminder of how lucky I am to be born to this world. I just wanted it to be a day to be grateful to the best couple in the world, for if it wasn't for their unconditional love, pain and sacrifice, I wouldn't be where I am today, writing to you.

People may scoff at my thoughts about birthdays now. I don't care. I am rebel for a better reason. I'm not like you; I would rather have no wishes than receiving phony ones. But I know, there's always at least two people out there, constantly wishing the best for me, whether or not it is my birthday, and I can never be more indebted to this priceless gift.

I am that person, who wouldn't mind spending her 20th Birthday stuck in an airport and in the air plane, all alone and halfway around the globe, away from home. I am that person, who wouldn't mind giving up on celebrating my birthday because I knew I was heading back to where my heart belongs, to the place and people, more worthy than just a foolish facade of a birthday celebration. I am that person, who knows that no matter where I am or what I do, there's always a place where I can call home, the people I can regress to, and these will never fail to pull my heartstrings.

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Happy Father's Day to my first love.

Happy Mother's Day to my first hero.

Love,

your youngest daughter

spook,

Schindler's List, Film Score by John Williams

Here I was. Riding my bicycle as swiftly as possible past the midnight cemetery.
It would probably be one of the harder decisions I had to make that Saturday night.
Going, I cowardly took the route along main street, deliberately avoiding the cemetery route. I'm scared of seeing the supernatural, despite my unusual obsession over documentaries about it. I would swear on that confession.
Nevertheless, I thought twice coming back using the same route I went with as on my way, these two creepy drunk guy shouted at me from across the road, making some drunk comments about my bicycle. Oh yeah. "... BIKE! ... BIKE! ... BIKE!"
This was all I could make out of what one of the guys were shouting at me about. All I took away from his clamoring was something about my bicycle.
The fact that they appeared as if they were about to sprint over in my direction and do something to me, or my bicycle that they were fixated upon if there weren't cars passing by, freaked me out.
Honestly, at this point of time, who would you be more afraid of? Human? Or the supernatural?
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It was an unnerving experience, coming back. Maybe it was just me, being too vigilant, too paranoid. It was as if I opened up all my chakra points and activated my fight-or-flight system. Besides the crickets and river sounds, I could hear something ringing at the back of my head. Weirdest feeling ever.
I rode my bike up the hill towards the cemetery and the moment I past the junction, I saw this pair of eyes just a little above the ground, staring right into my soul. Those reflective pair of eyes was that of a black cat. Yes. A Black Cat. What a coincidence right? And some say black cats are associated with death and darkness. Perfect timing to get spooked out right? Plus, when I passed by right beside it, the cat didn't make any slight attempt to dodge me at all! It was just staring me down, NASFWG.
That black cat. Spooky.
My own shadow, cast on the dark bitumen pavement was accelerating ahead of me as street lamps slid across me towards my back. Somehow I was concentrating on my paddling and my own shadow, as if I was expecting something out of the ordinary to happen to it or something. I also found myself mumbling, possibly to the supernatural residents in their resting places.
"I don't mean to trespass, but I just want to get home as quickly as possible."
Those words, I kept on repeating under my breath, hoping that it would at least 'save' me from the possibility of dying from being overly petrified if I actually encounter 'one'. Just hoping that they would spare me from experiencing a presence
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Regardless of my paranoia, I managed to get back, safe and sound. It was late out then. Two in the morning I suppose? Whatever it was, I do not want to pass by the cemetery during the witching time of the night alone, ever again, if possible.
Getting chills up my spine just thinking about it. Plus, the cold wind that night wasn't quite helpful as well :/

Apprehensive,

Evelyn Lee

Self-deception;

Thelonious Monk Quartet - Monk in Denmark

Coin toss logic.

I find myself doing these two things:

1. Toss a coin when I am torn in between two or more alternatives.

2. Trying to make the outcome of the coin toss event consistent with my pre-determined decision (if I already have one).

I am actually reading this book that Vania lent to me, "The Honest Truth about Dishonesty" by Dan Ariely, and came across this small section about cheating yourself.

It was describing the logic behind the coin toss concept:

Basically, when you have two options and can't decide on which, you toss a coin to speed up the decision making process. However, sometimes, you already have a decision in your head, but you don't want to admit to it because the other option is as appealing to you as the one that you have decided to go with. Hence, you want to find an 'external' force to help 'determine' your decision.

If the outcome of the coin toss turns out to be consistent with your decision, you go ahead with it, satisfied. No questions asked.

Nevertheless, if the outcome of the coin toss turns out to be inconsistent with your decision, you would probably 'ignore' the first toss, justify why it wasn't reliable (you didn't toss the coin properly, this is just a trial round, etc.) and go for a second round (this time is for real). You would probably do this until the outcome is consistent with your decision. Or, if somehow, probability is against your will, you would probably ignore coin tossing completely and go with your gut feeling, in this case, your initial decision.
"Screw tossing coins, it is just probabilities anyway, I am going with what I have initially decided."

Self-deception much? I suppose so.

Women are generally rather indecisive creatures. Here, you have one, writing to you about the decision making process.

I find myself pretty indecisive at times. For example, I would be standing in Walmart between the shelves, deciding if I should spend the money to buy this Teddy Graham biscuit that I adore, or I should save up the money for better use. Torn in between decisions, I often have the urge to toss a coin to help speed up the decision making process if I am unable to rationalize myself out to a final decision.

I get several people telling me how coin tossing doesn't really solve any problem.

For me, at least it does. For me, at least I don't toss a coin for important life-changing decisions. I leave coin-tossing to small trivial daily matters. To date, it has been working out pretty well for me! While I learn how to decide faster, I would need to rely on coin-tossing for some time. But really, I rarely toss the coin. I only do when there's people around, waiting on my decision.

I digress.

Another option rather than tossing the coin would be talking to a friend about the options you have and 'seek' advice from them. Sometimes, again, when you already have a decision, and if your friend says otherwise, you would probably provide many different reasons to convince your friend to think the same as you, and eventually 'tell' you your desired decision so that you can proceed with the execution of 'his/her' 'decision'.
Complicated? No. You are the culprit behind making things complicated. You are the culprit behind making things go the way you want to.

Self-deception much? I suppose so.

Till you figure out the functions of your complicated mind, good luck!

hint: you never will ;)

Toodleloo~

LeePeiNing

Psychology of the Mind.

Cello Concerto No. 2 in D Major, H 7B/2 (Op. 101) by Hadyn, Franz Joseph

I have noticed something.

As a pedestrian during a rainy day, you are especially vulnerable.

To what? You may wonder.

To several different things. I would say.

To mother nature. To human nature.

Raindrops.

They don't kill you, those cute little raindrops.

They are harmless to your well being.

But why would I consider that as harmless to me?

The reason is as simple as it can be: I have to look presentable to others, especially if I am going to work. Of course! You don't want to look like you had to swim across a river, conquer a mountain to get to work! Of course not!

People who have a car to commute to work, lucky you, fortunate beings.

People who doesn't even own a driving license, you need to work harder on it.

Water puddles.

Again, they may seem to you like merely an uneven path when it is dry and sunny out. However, be wary of it during a rainy day as you might trip over it, twist your ankle if you step into it by mistake, getting your foot dirty and wet at the very same time, etc.

Whatever it is, don't trivialize it.

Inconsiderate drivers.

These people, of the other two aforementioned factors, are the most despicable 'sugar' in this world.

Oh yes. They just had to pick up speed as they pass by a pedestrian, who is just trying to avoid getting wet by using a mere umbrella to shield the rain. They just had to drive closer to the curb, through the puddle of water so that the water would splash up all over your body. Why not? That's a fun thing to do; seeing other people suffer while you sit back in your leather-coated seat of your brand new CR-V, enjoying your artificial air-condition in this naturally cold and wet morning.

Sadistic bastards.

Diffusion of responsibility.

I believe at some point of your life, you have experienced this at least once.

Human nature.

One time, I was at the zebra crossing, waiting to cross the road. There was this HUGE line of cars from both sides of the road. Of course, I treasure my life by not crossing when there's cars, and not until I see that they are slowing down for me to cross.

Guess what? I ended up waiting for almost 2 minutes before one of the gentleman actually stops for me to cross the road. Everyone else before him? Just simply stared at me while they accelerated past me, following the lead of the 'first' person, who ignored my intention to get to the other side of the road.

"If I don't stop for this lady right here, somebody else would. Somebody has to eventually. I'm just going to pass being the good guy this time, just like everyone else before me."

As you can see, this, perfect example of diffusion of responsibility.

Obligation.

So I was walking down this narrow sidewalk along a very poor conditioned road with many potholes trailing right beside the curb this morning. It was raining hard. Much harder than desired. I was dressed in my clean smart casual office outfit, trying to stay as dry as possible and get to the ACC so that I can board the public transit from there.

The rain, sort of ruined everything for me.

Kudos to this Person, who ruined it for me as well.

Right after this stupid car, there was a large gap before the next line of car coming up. What I did was right before the first car passes by my side, I tilted my umbrella to the side facing the road so that I can shield myself from any potential water splashes I might get from these upcoming cars. What caught me off guard was that the first car, not only slowed down its speed, but also drifted a little away from the sidewalk so that the water would not splash too much towards my direction. Surprisingly, all the subsequent cars treated me with the same degree of courtesy.

That, at least, made up for that jerk before. Thank you.

However, this got me thinking. Would they have done the same if the 'first' person didn't react differently as opposed to not having a pedestrian on the sidewalk? Would they have at least try to dodge the potholes even if the 'first' person didn't?

Could this be because they feel the obligation to keep up with the moral standards set by the model, in this case, the 'first' car?

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Rant of the day: CHECK!
Thank you for your patience.

Goodnight, pretty.

Evelyn

thrill ride...

The More I See You by Hank Mobley Quintet (1960)

this smell, strangely gratifying to my nostrils. I have no idea where it is coming from, but I suppose I won't be able to find out anyway

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Isn't it ironic? Thrill ride...

You start off, fresh, enthusiastic, and curious, ready to take on any challenges that come your way. You are pumped! Exhilarated! Eager!

Staring ahead towards the steep slope in front, you manage to convince yourself that you are as mighty as any of those Spartan warriors. You pulled out the vivid but imaginary satisfaction of being on top of that obstacle frontward. Motivated, you charge forward with such thrust that created the thought for a moment that you actually stood a chance. First few moments, you are still feeling the fire, still feeling the burning desire, igniting your sprit and soul with passion. Ahead with your inherent tendency to chase dreams, here and now, you fight your way up.

Out of the blue, you feel Fatigue, inching its way up from your ankle, to your calf, thigh, waist, chest, and finally reaching the head. You are now blatantly aware of the gradual exhaustion, body weighing you down, faster than you can keep up with. Your head, drooping lifelessly from a previously erect posture. There is absolutely no strength left to haul yourself forward and up. Forcefully, you lift your head up to gauge how far away you are from your goal. Nevertheless, everything begins fogging up that you can't figure out images clearly. You are clueless about your current location, uncertain about the future, oblivious about the past. The only option left is to advance forward despite your weariness.

One last hurl then you are there. You persisted, and eventually succeed. Carving a smirk across the corner of your lips, you are now on top of the world. Invincible.

You find yourself resting on a horizontal plane. Reluctantly, you glide along casually till you come to a complete halt upon reaching the edge. Overlooking the spectacular view ahead, you really wish that time could pause the moment right there, where you are at the pinnacle of your life. That best second that you wouldn't mind reliving for the rest of your breathing moments. Except, you have to move on, as driven by your animal instincts - greed, curiosity, and everything in between. You have the delusion that you share with every peer; something greater is bound to happen in the near future. Hence, you have to chase it, instead of rationalizing out of it. That delusion, just simply irresistible.

Taking in the last deep breath you will ever do at that same spot, you allow your brain to engulf as much as it can to create a lasting memory of this haven of exquisite tranquility. One last blink of the eyes, then off you go, set forth in search for a new hope, an unknown goal, a novel dream.

As you go downhill, you just sit back and enjoy the thrill. This could easily be one of the best experiences in your life. Just feeling the downward momentum pulling you down and forward, while adrenaline pumps towards the opposite direction, circulating via the bloodstream throughout your body. Cool breeze swings by for a gentle stroke on your cheek. Fresh air surges into your lungs as the diaphragm expands.

Feels great isn't it? Feels like your body just rejuvenated from an exhausted state after all the struggle uphill. Feels like you can never get enough of this thrill.
The contentment. Nothing in this world is strong enough to shatter any complacency residing in this pure moment of bliss
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Unfortunately, after the thrill, comes another uphill, then it all goes back to square one. A vicious cycle that no one can escape from.

Life.

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Today will be a delightful sunny day. The rain clouds will slide away and clear up the sky.
Today will be a delightful sunny day. Oh, have faith that it will be.

5.13am and signing off.

Love,

Evelyn Lee

spontaneity,

Orchestra Suite No. 3 in D Major by J.S. Bach

"In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away." - Shing Xiong

a walk to remember

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Friday, May 31st, 2013.

I spent this last day of the month with ample of room for spontaneity.

I woke up, feeling fresh. Went to campus, had a wonderful date with Mr. Grand. Ran some errands, met some friends, did some homework.

They all felt like routines, until this flush of mood came: I wanted to eat ice-cream!

I have no idea where this spontaneity came from, but this sudden craving for ice-cream was driving me nuts! I was rather desperate for some nice, chill ice-cream in this hot day out.

So I gathered some people and together, we headed down to this little ice-cream place.

They had many flavors of ice-cream but they all came in a cup. I needed the experience of eating ice-cream out of a cone. That was part of the plan. That was part of the craving. I just had to forgo those fancy flavors and stuck to the standard regular twist that I already adore so much :)

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We missed the SA shuttle to Walmart. No biggie.

Teased Sanchir with my sidekick, Baek by attempting to sing 忐忑. No biggie.

Random coin-tossing, which result was ignored and forgone the shuttle ride to Walmart eventually. No biggie.

Officially met Jeshi, and a new-found friend, Vanessa. Reconnected with old friends. No biggie.

Short walk back to retrieve the poor little brown Aero messenger bag from in front of the ACC, just because the owner absent-mindedly abandoned it there with all the most important things and documents in there. No biggie.

Had an awesome dinner, which I did nothing to help out at all. Pleasurably guilty. No biggie.

Long conversation that eventually led to learning 日本語 from Iori-chan. No biggie.

Sober moments amongst 酔うてる people. No biggie.

Sanchir, smiling with his bloodshot eyes, drunk-talking, was certainly very entertaining.

We ended up playing this drawing game that he came up with.

Think outside of the box, so he said

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The half moon was blood red. The majestic sight of it put me into an instant trance. Out we went, chasing the moon. Spontaneity.

I especially adore those long talks, cool breeze against our cheeks, gentle fluorescent street light, leaves rustling in the background. Subconsciously, the 1.3 miles trail walk turned into an adventure further down to the port. Spontaneity.

"Do you guys have a boat down there? This is a private property."

Woah, that was not friendly at all. Seemed to me like he almost wanted to kick butt or something.

Our initial plan: climb onto one of the boats and chill there. Apprehended by a guy who pulled up his car beside us. Spontaneity

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Tranquil. The atmosphere was.

Quiet. The moon was.

Serene. The stars in the sky were.

Placid. The water was.

Composed. Our thoughts were.
Deep. Our breaths were.

The moments felt surreal. Unemcumbered by worries. Just two heartbeats, expressing profound truths about each other in simple language.

As we spoke at great length about various things, our eyes were inevitably drawn in by the picture perfect scenery.
Engulfing in all that we can, how I wish time would spare us our youth, spare us moments like this.
The moon, playing peekaboo with us by sliding in and out of the clouds occasionally.
Its moonlight, reflected upon by the calm water, leaving a faint streak of glimmering lights on the surface.
The smithereens of stars, suspending millions of light years away from us. The source of those twinkling lights that we now perceive may have been long gone, exploded. Nevertheless, they left us with such glow and hope that keeps us going.

Still remember how I was quivering whenever the cool breeze sweeps by to greet us abruptly. Cold hands, cold feet, but was fortunate enough to have another pair of hands and feet warming those up
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An hour and 15 minutes to sunrise. We just had to keep on going since we were already half way there. Spontaneity.
3.45am. We headed back to my apartment to gather some equipments that include water, jackets and camera
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Sunrise at Champlain Park wasn't quite complete without the actual sunrise. Thick cotton clouds were obstructing the morning rays from blessing our tender skin with Vitamin D.

Nonetheless, the scenery was magnificent.

 Ducks were paddling around in the water in pairs, waddling on the grass in pairs, while we sat there on the edge of the stone barrier, in a pair.

At the end of it, we bid goodbyes with nice long hugs
Finally, what feels like Friday, ended with a nice warm shower and snuggling in bed with my favorite childhood plushie :)

...

a tacit confession of affection, perhaps?

Love, Eve

wind;

So Close by John Mclaughlin

Only if it was Enchanted, love was

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SOME say that water has a calming effect

At the very least, it does.

NEVER ending sounds of the rain, splattering on the roof top of our safe house

Chill breeze didn't quite matter, as

HERE, all is good. all is flowing to a gentle rhythm.

Immersing ourselves with nice, quiet conversation while our fingers entwined

Reminiscing about old good memories, all while creating new ones

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Drenched with rain water, our feet were.

as we took Our time, strolling dowN the sidewalk under the same umbrella.

the raindrops, magically drumming against the roof Top, creating Wonderful melodies that are astoundingly delightful to our ears

 this relaxed Ambiance was absolute, filled with Nothingness, yeT rich with sentimentality.

2 hours, passed swiftly and gone with the wind. Hush, without a sound.

Under that awkward looking tree, stood the old witch from snow white. but that didn't matter.

Raging series of lightning, trailing across the sky. but that didn't matter.

deafening roars of Thunders. but that didn't matter.

all that matters was that it was Yesterday, that i have rediscovered something that i have Once lost, or repressed
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under the same Umbrella that we left with, we walked back.
thank you for the pleasant journey.

goodnight,

my dearest