did you?

Dreaming With A Broken Heart by John Mayer

Was listening to this song and I heard this phrase,

"waking up is the hardest part"

As a person who adores metaphor, I fell in love immediately with this phrase, being that I can relate to this phrase at a personal level as well

.

Whoever says that waking up is going to be easy? Every morning, that moment when you open your eyes, it is another brand new day and you know it. However, the temptation to just continue lying down and snuggle with your blanket is great!

Talk about the Physics principle of Inertia. Definitely true, especially after a whole night long of not moving

,

Whoever says that waking up from a dream is going to be easy? Of course, it involves you giving up of your previous believes and adopting a new set. It involves a new set of belief that completely contradict with your current ones.

How apprehensive that the future is no longer bright for you after waking up.

Look around you, the world is moving on, signifying the urgency for you to keep up. Of course it is moving forward, but whether in the right track with the right pace or not, only itself is clear about it.

That small fee I paid to see the world, is probably the best investments I have ever had in my life since young. Sure I splurge on unnecessary things occasionally, but this was an eye-opener.

It got me thinking. It got me pondering. It answered many questions I previously had.

I was rather traumatized. No doubt that I was. There were numerous events that I had to slowly digest, but deep in my heart, I know that I have decided and I have to stay strong with that decision.

After all, who would invest their trust on me if I couldn't trust my own instinct?

I'm glad that I still see some light in the dark endless tunnel. It was gradually fogging up, even the light seemed blurry and vague.

Should I pick up my pace and sprint towards it before it vanishes? Or should I stay put and admire the beautiful ray, regret when it vanishes?

"A true pilot must of necessity pay attention to the season, the heaven, the stars, the winds and everything proper to the craft if he is really the rule a ship." - Plato, The Republic

LeePeiNing

Betrayed.

It certainly took me forever to regain consciousness.

Forever to wake up from that deep slumber.

Feels like everything that I once had was unreal, fake and phony.

Everything was for a reason, a motif behind drawn curtains.

I cannot comprehend.

I certainly cannot fathom.

There is no way I can.

How could people transform from being such an innocent harmless child at birth, to be so maliciously harmful to other people's well being?

Such selfish bastards those people are.

I would be more than willing to pick up a weapon and end their petty little pest life right there.

Sadistically enjoy their slow and excruciatingly painful death.

Sadistically enjoy the sight of their body structures and limbs drop separately and lifelessly on the floor before my feet.

Sadistically savor the taste of those mudblood on my lips.

I would even be Hitler reborn of this 21st century, have a genocide for pests like you from the world.

The absence of people like you, oh yes I could already see it, taste it.

The freedom and peaceful ambient in the surrounding.

My last words for you -

"For all the sins that you have committed, you shall have karma to come against your will.

Burn in hell."

evil.

see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

,

i wish life was that simple.

i wish.

innocence;

Haru Haru by Big Bang

the purity of a person's mind.

the learning about something that can't be undone,

subsequent destruction of the innocence.

what else renders memories and significance?

nothing but a stack of ashes,

dissolve and float in the occasional breeze

alongside the fluffy seeds of the dandelions

polluted, impurity are all that are left

,

the pieces of broken china

metaphorically resembles the mind, body and soul

rough soil the dirt

since when did you bid goodbye to your childhood?

that very moment when you let your heart win

that very moment when you let loose your curiosity about relationships

that very moment when you lost sight for a moment of

innocence.

the deepest desire to regress back into childhood.

Shooting star.

The Red Aspens by Jennifer Thomas

Deep breaths. Steady heartbeats. Soothing melody.

All I need for this perfect night to end is just a little more surprise

,

Talk about surprise, it really takes you in a night flight across heaven's park

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Taiko Masala, the Japanese Drum Festival. It was really out of pure reluctance, deep contemplation before I finally made the decision, which turned out to be incredible.

My first time seeing the Seaweed Suckers perform and I was blown away by their professionalism.

What do you look for in a band performance? Who do you usually pay attention to?

Many people's reply would be the vocalist, the guitarist, the bassist. However, how many actually pays attention to the drum player?

I try to be a non-conformist whenever possible. In this case, I paid most attention to the drum player, who was partially or wholly blocked by the lead singer most of the time. I have seen many drum players and some of them really did not take their role seriously, thinking that they are sitting at the back of the stage behind the scenes, not noticeable.

This guy, he was different. You could tell that he loved his role in this band. You could tell that he knew that he was the backbone of the band. You could tell that he knew what he was doing.

He was marvelous in performance, entertaining and especially cool whenever he does finger tricks with the drum sticks.

The rest of the band members were extremely professional in what they do, delivering a very strong, powerful and energetic performance. They were very interactive throughout their performance and I was really impressed.

When it comes to the main performance from Taiko Masala, I loved the power and passion in their every move. Their interaction with the audiences was remarkable. Watching their performance had driven an invisible force in me that drives my urge to pick up taiko drums as well. 

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Was setting up the tripod and the camera while waiting for the fireworks to come on, I experienced one of the happiest moments in my life.

A pleasant surprise that was.

Unexpected, overwhelming, breathtaking, magnificent.

It was sheer magic.

Out of the blue, that comet appeared as a dazzling streak of bright light cuts through the sky and fades away at the corner of the horizon.

I was baffled, speechless and was on the verge of tearing to the sight of such a glorious moment.

People say that if you make a wish under a shooting star, your wish would come true.

The truth for me is, when I caught sight of that shooting star, that was my wish coming true. I couldn't ask for more. I am grateful. Exhilarated.

.

Shooting the fireworks this time was a completely different feeling for several reasons:

1. I have companions this time.

2. I have a tripod this time.

3. I was trying out new camera setting this time.

4. I came prepared this time.

Sure it is a whole trial and error thing, but the learning experience was awesome.

I believe have self-esteem issue with the photographs that I have taken, yet I am satisfied with the general outcome of today's photography outing.

Here's my personal favorite: Fireworks and two comets.

I love you.

LeePeiNing

State of Autumn.

Don't Forget by Baek Ji Young

In a state of Autumn, I am.

'First week into the month of September

Memories turn to hay

Solemnly, sorrowfully the

Oracle spoke, yet the

Remains of the

Ruined medieval castle, still

Yield all the glory it once was.

,

Yelling, screaming, gone crazy, but

Everything seems inaudible to others

Everyone around me seems oblivious

Just up to myself and no others

If only I can bring myself to

Numb myself from the excruciating pain

.

Insides of me, slowly disintegrating, like

'Venom, eating up my body gradually.

Tired of drama, tired of waiting

Raging emotions with hints of disappointment and confusion

Infinite signs displayed - suddenly

Everlasting doesn't seem too convincing after all

Death has dawn on this beautiful disaster

.

Thank you for the sweet memories.

For the last time,

Pei Ning

behind drawn curtains;

Ego by Beyonce

Curtains drawn. Play begins. Standing ovation

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EOP Summer Institute 2012 was incredible, to begin with. Never knew what I signed up for, never knew what to expect. People ask me why.

"Merely to fill in my Summer that is."

Used to tell everyone that this is a job. First day into training, completely changed my perception about this "job" that I signed up for. A "career" instead. A "passion".

Poised and adept, all of my team members. Conflict free, focused on supporting and educating the young sprouts of SUNY Plattsburgh.
The end was nearing. The end has come. The end is gone.
"I will now announce who made it and who didn't. When your name is called, please meet me in the EOP office right after supper." Michele proceeded back to her seat and sat down, uttered no words. Cheers filled the entire dining room. Emotions overflowed. Goosebumps surfaced. I scurried towards the back of the food area where there was no one and started crying. Tears streaked my face. Happy tears. Speechless, overwhelmed, proud.
Is this the feeling every teacher gets, whenever his/her students succeed? If it is, I absolutely adore this feeling of accomplishment, this feeling of pride. Hugs never get old in occasions like this. I wept like I was one of the students, who made it through the four weeks of hell in a program similar to that of a boot camp, who is able to come back to SUNY Plattsburgh in the Fall as a fully matriculated college student

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The banquet was the event of recognition. Seeing each one of them go up front to receive their certificate of completion, I couldn't be more elated. Of course, tutor counselors were recognized as well; first timers girls each got a personalized bracelet engraved with EOP 2012 and name, boys each got a personalized dog tag, returners get personalized USB Drive, Cassie, most senior of all, got a personalized photo album.

Can't thank Matt more, our beloved Program Coordinator. Each team member chipped in a small amount of money to get him a bike rack he yearned for. A small and insignificant token compared to the amount of hard work that man put in throughout this program.

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Farewell was never easy. Cried so bad. Felt like a piece of my heart was breaking apart from the whole as I waved each white van goodbye while seeing its red tail lights disappear into the silent, somber night.

Will be waiting for everyone's return. Will be seeing everyone on campus this coming Fall.

Soon. Very soon.

Toast to my new found family,

Hopeful,

Evelyn

amazing death;

Into The New World by SNSD

I knew I have a passion for this. I knew I have a passion to help people

.

Classes went great. In fact, tutoring was better. It is where all the things get real. I love the communication, I love the interaction.

Working with these three Chinese students gave me a lot to think about. They are learning from me, but at the same time, I am learning from them and learning from myself.

I love and appreciate the heart to heart pillow talk under the tree behind Macomb Hall with them in the warm afternoon. Seeing the tears of helplessness and relief fall down all at the same time was overwhelming. I can and cannot imagine being in their shoes. It must be so tough and miserable for them to go through this ordeal of having to learn, deal and communicate with other people in a foreign language that you were given a limited time and resources to learn and expected to be phenomenal at it.

My throat died tonight for one reason - to make sure that these three students succeed. That was all that matters. It was the satisfaction that I get at the end of it. A satisfaction that goes beyond just being able to help them in their studies. I was literally explaining every sentence of the reading of "Thinking As A Hobby" by William Golding to them, repeating my explanation over and over again slowly to make sure that they understand the words coming out of my mouth. However, at the same time I was doing all the talking and explanations, I was amazed at my ability to comprehend myself. I was intrigued at the amazing content that I was able to discover as I go through the reading in depth. I had goosebumps and chills playing catching at the back of my spine. The feeling was incredible. This feeling

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Tutoring ended at 10pm. Came back at 10.30pm. The first thing I wanted to do was to shower but curfew was at 11pm so I had to wait. When it was all finally done, Matt called me on a trip to University Police to get an ice pack for a girl who sprained her ankle. Finally! I was in the nice shower. The water was colder than I wanted it to but it would not heat up, just like how it was the past few days. As I was completely covered in soap, I saw some light flashing at the top of the ceiling and I vaguely hear some sounds that was somewhat like a fire alarm to me. Took me quite some moment before I came to my senses that cuss words started spewing out of my mouth.

"This is not happening! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! F***!"

I was panicking in the shower trying to wash all the soap away from my body. Was literally scooping the bubbles out of the way. I was traumatized. Seeing that I am a tutor counselor and definitely not being able to strut out of the building wrapped in my towels, I had to run back upstairs and put some clothing on. Well, there I was, scurrying out in my jean jacket and Adidas pants with my hair dripping wet towards where all the other TCs, Food and Wellness coordinators, the Program Coordinator and the rest of the students. That was my walk of shame. Nevertheless, I believe everyone took pity on me.

Speak about FML

,

Tuition fees was put out officially today. It went up A LOT! This is so not happening to me and all the students. This is so unfair! Speak about FML again.

Here it is. Ending my night in such a depressing and miserable way.

Just trying to be a little more optimistic, I took a long nap today, which was something rare as a pink diamond. Moreover, I will be having my night off tomorrow so I could rest. No tutoring for me to miss so everyone else is not missing out on much as well. Hmm...

I guess it is time to wash up and go to bed now that I just hard cored drying my hair and it is good enough for bed.

Till then!

Love, 

Pei Ning

Freudian slip,

Heaven Can Wait by We The Kings

Yeah. Heaven can wait because right now I am paying a visit to hell first.

I am not saying that  I am a bad person.

Just that I made a terrible mistake that I should not be making at all.

My mouth is a terrible system that I have no control over at all. The words that come out of it can be so crude that can easily hurt other people's feelings. I realize that, I have been trying my hardest to work on it. Seems like I am not working hard enough

.

As some of you may already know, I am working for this EOP program right now. I deal with pre-freshmen students who needs help. As a tutor/counselor, I play a crucial role and is almost like the backbone for the success of this program.

Just moments ago, I made a terrible remark that I should not be even close to saying it at all as a TC. What was worse was that I said it to my program coordinator, Matt, who is kind of like a person that I was supposed to report to. In another words, he's my boss.

"You look drunk."

I am terribly sorry for making that remark about him in front of other TCs and especially the students. It was like disrespecting him and trying to make him look like a bad person in front of everyone.

I hate my mouth right now. I am not going to the extreme to hoping that I was mute, but sometimes I just hope that I'll just stfu and mind my own business.

If I could just please do that sometimes, I will be thankful.

Sigh. I had my walk of shame out of the room. Now I am going to hide inside my hole of shame and just reflect upon myself.
Point being: I need to stop saying dumb shit.

Not proud at all.

Pei Ning

melt;

Better In Time by Leona Lewis

Praises.

These things work magic. They are miraculous.

Unfortunately, this is not something very common from where I grew up. Now that is cultural differences. Since young, I hardly receive praises from anyone. Teachers, friends.

Well, I have very good parents. They were very supportive of me. They praise me for my achievements, they do not condemn me of my failure but merely give me motivational advices.

The funny thing about my parents is that they are EXTREMELY afraid that I might turn out mentally challenged. My siblings are undeniably intelligent. As the youngest among my siblings, I am often reminded of that pressure to "keep up the good work" whenever they come home with some amazing achievements. I am always flabbergasted by how they manage to be such achievers.

The fact is that my parents see that in me, my burning desire to do as good as my siblings or better. They know that failing is not an option for me. They know it. And that is why they are so afraid that I might be too hard on myself that I go crazy or something. Certainly, they do not wish to receive a phone call in the middle of the night from my school, all the way from the United States, saying that their daughter has ended up in an asylum or what not.

Believe me or not, they even had this conversation about committing suicide with me.

"Pei Ning, we spent so many years, so much money, raising you so that you can be a great person. If only one day you decide to commit suicide, all our efforts, poof, gone. Not only that, along with those investments we had in you, there comes feelings and love. If only one day you decide to commit suicide, mummy and daddy will be very sad ohhhhh..."

Yeap. There you go. Those words, straight forward it may sound, but it is true. Those words are right there, carved in my heart. This means so much more than just a simple message of not committing suicide when you give up on life. This means to stay strong and pull through hell hole.

On the side note, I cracked open a fortune cookie that says: "Bravery is the capacity to pull through even though you are scared to death."

Coming to the United States certainly is challenging. All around me are people who came from different cultural backgrounds. The Americans. They are very honest and direct. They see each other, they greet each other. "Hey. What's up?" "Hey how's it going?" "Hey. How are you?" Well, till now I am still getting used to replying to those questions. Most of the time, I had to think for a long while before replying "good", which ends the conversation and makes people think I am weird. Truth is, we're different. I am not used to this.

In America, people do Rock Paper Scissors Shoot. In Malaysia, we do Scissors Paper Stone

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This Summer in EOP, I open my eyes up to more things. The learning process never ends and this is what makes life so interesting. It is still five days into the program and it is still training period, but I am already loving this program. I am praised by my colleagues all the time and I am certainly learning to praise other people and trying to feel comfortable and natural with it. I am trying. I am learning.

Yesterday was my first time playing a real volleyball game and I am already loving it! The experience is certainly different from playing it back in high school. The ball is lighter and it doesn't hurt as bad as the ones from high school. Not to mention that I sprained my hand somehow in the process of it. However, being the person who loves sports, I was doing rather okay I would say. My colleagues were extremely supportive of me, constantly praising me and giving me second tries or reassurances when I mess up. I adore the feeling of it.

"Yo people! Evelyn's a natural man! She's a natural!"

"That was good man. That was good."

"No don't worry about it. It is just a game."

"Don't worry Evelyn. We don't play money in this game."

Every time someone starts to be too focused on the game and breaking up the spirits in sports, we get people to remind everyone that we should not forget that we are just playing to have fun. I absolutely adore this kind of learning environment. I just think it is very stimulating and keeps the team spirit high. It keeps you motivated and hopeful.

Matt, the program coordinator, he praised me several times when we are playing game and after.

"Something about Evelyn is that she is always willing to try new things." "And she is good at stuff!" Chris said. That made me melt happily inside.

Partnered with Matt several times and he's really supportive of the team. It feels great because you know deep down that he has your back. I just love the honesty and appreciation that one can benefit from being in this kind of positive and stimulating learning environment. It just makes you want to keep on going and succeeding in your role and responsibilities.

For now, I really can't wait for the students to come in and see what this team can bring to the table. At the same time, I would love to see what I can achieve and witness for myself how much I have learned and to be able to put the things I have learned throughout training period into great use. I am really looking forward to this Summer and see what comes.

This might sound a little too confident but...

BRING IT!

:P

That's me right there.

That's right.

I am a perfectionist.

Pei Ning