unconditional love;

Freedom and It's Owner by King of Convenience

I know the past Sunday was Father's Day. However, this post is dedicated to not only my old man, but also my first lady

.

Everyday I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have this pair of couple in my life, loving me unconditionally since even before I was born. I may not remember all the wonderful things they have given me when I was an infant, but I can certainly be thankful for the love and care that I have received from looking at the I in the present day

,

When I was young and naive, I used to dislike the fact that I share the same birthday as him.

"Owh shucks, I can't have my very own birthday cake on my birthday. I can't blow all the candles on my own. I'll have to share the limelight with him." *pouts*

Till this date, I still can't believe that I used to be so blinded by those materialistic things that I have overlooked how blessed I am! To share the same birthday as one's father is possibly one of the best gifts in life! Of course, I believe I became his best birthday present in his entire life. Oh I would give anything to see how elated he was when I was ushered into this world.

When I was young and naive, I used to dislike the fact that she is always up against the hair at the back of my neck, constantly pestering me with something and being all nosy.

"Would she stop nagging? Urgh, stating the obvious. I will get to it eventually." *annoyed*

Being away from home definitely made me realise so many goodness to those nagging. Talking to mom helped me understand the myriad reasons behind her altruistic intentions. We would share tears as we converse, despite being thousands of miles away from each other. Of course, it still bothers me from time to time, but instead of throwing tantrums, I would silently consent to her yattering

.

As my age went from single digit to double, I was slowly understanding the true sentimentality of birthdays. I completed elementary school, went on to middle school, graduated from high school, furthered my studies in college. As I do so, I was gradually peeling away the petty and superficial celebrations that most people see as the world to their birthdays, digging deeper and closer into the true nostalgia for this special day;

I no longer long for parties that I never had as a child, cakes, presents, phony greetings and wishes, etc. I just wanted it to be a reminder of how lucky I am to be born to this world. I just wanted it to be a day to be grateful to the best couple in the world, for if it wasn't for their unconditional love, pain and sacrifice, I wouldn't be where I am today, writing to you.

People may scoff at my thoughts about birthdays now. I don't care. I am rebel for a better reason. I'm not like you; I would rather have no wishes than receiving phony ones. But I know, there's always at least two people out there, constantly wishing the best for me, whether or not it is my birthday, and I can never be more indebted to this priceless gift.

I am that person, who wouldn't mind spending her 20th Birthday stuck in an airport and in the air plane, all alone and halfway around the globe, away from home. I am that person, who wouldn't mind giving up on celebrating my birthday because I knew I was heading back to where my heart belongs, to the place and people, more worthy than just a foolish facade of a birthday celebration. I am that person, who knows that no matter where I am or what I do, there's always a place where I can call home, the people I can regress to, and these will never fail to pull my heartstrings.

,

Happy Father's Day to my first love.

Happy Mother's Day to my first hero.

Love,

your youngest daughter

Self-deception;

Thelonious Monk Quartet - Monk in Denmark

Coin toss logic.

I find myself doing these two things:

1. Toss a coin when I am torn in between two or more alternatives.

2. Trying to make the outcome of the coin toss event consistent with my pre-determined decision (if I already have one).

I am actually reading this book that Vania lent to me, "The Honest Truth about Dishonesty" by Dan Ariely, and came across this small section about cheating yourself.

It was describing the logic behind the coin toss concept:

Basically, when you have two options and can't decide on which, you toss a coin to speed up the decision making process. However, sometimes, you already have a decision in your head, but you don't want to admit to it because the other option is as appealing to you as the one that you have decided to go with. Hence, you want to find an 'external' force to help 'determine' your decision.

If the outcome of the coin toss turns out to be consistent with your decision, you go ahead with it, satisfied. No questions asked.

Nevertheless, if the outcome of the coin toss turns out to be inconsistent with your decision, you would probably 'ignore' the first toss, justify why it wasn't reliable (you didn't toss the coin properly, this is just a trial round, etc.) and go for a second round (this time is for real). You would probably do this until the outcome is consistent with your decision. Or, if somehow, probability is against your will, you would probably ignore coin tossing completely and go with your gut feeling, in this case, your initial decision.
"Screw tossing coins, it is just probabilities anyway, I am going with what I have initially decided."

Self-deception much? I suppose so.

Women are generally rather indecisive creatures. Here, you have one, writing to you about the decision making process.

I find myself pretty indecisive at times. For example, I would be standing in Walmart between the shelves, deciding if I should spend the money to buy this Teddy Graham biscuit that I adore, or I should save up the money for better use. Torn in between decisions, I often have the urge to toss a coin to help speed up the decision making process if I am unable to rationalize myself out to a final decision.

I get several people telling me how coin tossing doesn't really solve any problem.

For me, at least it does. For me, at least I don't toss a coin for important life-changing decisions. I leave coin-tossing to small trivial daily matters. To date, it has been working out pretty well for me! While I learn how to decide faster, I would need to rely on coin-tossing for some time. But really, I rarely toss the coin. I only do when there's people around, waiting on my decision.

I digress.

Another option rather than tossing the coin would be talking to a friend about the options you have and 'seek' advice from them. Sometimes, again, when you already have a decision, and if your friend says otherwise, you would probably provide many different reasons to convince your friend to think the same as you, and eventually 'tell' you your desired decision so that you can proceed with the execution of 'his/her' 'decision'.
Complicated? No. You are the culprit behind making things complicated. You are the culprit behind making things go the way you want to.

Self-deception much? I suppose so.

Till you figure out the functions of your complicated mind, good luck!

hint: you never will ;)

Toodleloo~

LeePeiNing

Psychology of the Mind.

Cello Concerto No. 2 in D Major, H 7B/2 (Op. 101) by Hadyn, Franz Joseph

I have noticed something.

As a pedestrian during a rainy day, you are especially vulnerable.

To what? You may wonder.

To several different things. I would say.

To mother nature. To human nature.

Raindrops.

They don't kill you, those cute little raindrops.

They are harmless to your well being.

But why would I consider that as harmless to me?

The reason is as simple as it can be: I have to look presentable to others, especially if I am going to work. Of course! You don't want to look like you had to swim across a river, conquer a mountain to get to work! Of course not!

People who have a car to commute to work, lucky you, fortunate beings.

People who doesn't even own a driving license, you need to work harder on it.

Water puddles.

Again, they may seem to you like merely an uneven path when it is dry and sunny out. However, be wary of it during a rainy day as you might trip over it, twist your ankle if you step into it by mistake, getting your foot dirty and wet at the very same time, etc.

Whatever it is, don't trivialize it.

Inconsiderate drivers.

These people, of the other two aforementioned factors, are the most despicable 'sugar' in this world.

Oh yes. They just had to pick up speed as they pass by a pedestrian, who is just trying to avoid getting wet by using a mere umbrella to shield the rain. They just had to drive closer to the curb, through the puddle of water so that the water would splash up all over your body. Why not? That's a fun thing to do; seeing other people suffer while you sit back in your leather-coated seat of your brand new CR-V, enjoying your artificial air-condition in this naturally cold and wet morning.

Sadistic bastards.

Diffusion of responsibility.

I believe at some point of your life, you have experienced this at least once.

Human nature.

One time, I was at the zebra crossing, waiting to cross the road. There was this HUGE line of cars from both sides of the road. Of course, I treasure my life by not crossing when there's cars, and not until I see that they are slowing down for me to cross.

Guess what? I ended up waiting for almost 2 minutes before one of the gentleman actually stops for me to cross the road. Everyone else before him? Just simply stared at me while they accelerated past me, following the lead of the 'first' person, who ignored my intention to get to the other side of the road.

"If I don't stop for this lady right here, somebody else would. Somebody has to eventually. I'm just going to pass being the good guy this time, just like everyone else before me."

As you can see, this, perfect example of diffusion of responsibility.

Obligation.

So I was walking down this narrow sidewalk along a very poor conditioned road with many potholes trailing right beside the curb this morning. It was raining hard. Much harder than desired. I was dressed in my clean smart casual office outfit, trying to stay as dry as possible and get to the ACC so that I can board the public transit from there.

The rain, sort of ruined everything for me.

Kudos to this Person, who ruined it for me as well.

Right after this stupid car, there was a large gap before the next line of car coming up. What I did was right before the first car passes by my side, I tilted my umbrella to the side facing the road so that I can shield myself from any potential water splashes I might get from these upcoming cars. What caught me off guard was that the first car, not only slowed down its speed, but also drifted a little away from the sidewalk so that the water would not splash too much towards my direction. Surprisingly, all the subsequent cars treated me with the same degree of courtesy.

That, at least, made up for that jerk before. Thank you.

However, this got me thinking. Would they have done the same if the 'first' person didn't react differently as opposed to not having a pedestrian on the sidewalk? Would they have at least try to dodge the potholes even if the 'first' person didn't?

Could this be because they feel the obligation to keep up with the moral standards set by the model, in this case, the 'first' car?

.

Rant of the day: CHECK!
Thank you for your patience.

Goodnight, pretty.

Evelyn

thrill ride...

The More I See You by Hank Mobley Quintet (1960)

this smell, strangely gratifying to my nostrils. I have no idea where it is coming from, but I suppose I won't be able to find out anyway

.

Isn't it ironic? Thrill ride...

You start off, fresh, enthusiastic, and curious, ready to take on any challenges that come your way. You are pumped! Exhilarated! Eager!

Staring ahead towards the steep slope in front, you manage to convince yourself that you are as mighty as any of those Spartan warriors. You pulled out the vivid but imaginary satisfaction of being on top of that obstacle frontward. Motivated, you charge forward with such thrust that created the thought for a moment that you actually stood a chance. First few moments, you are still feeling the fire, still feeling the burning desire, igniting your sprit and soul with passion. Ahead with your inherent tendency to chase dreams, here and now, you fight your way up.

Out of the blue, you feel Fatigue, inching its way up from your ankle, to your calf, thigh, waist, chest, and finally reaching the head. You are now blatantly aware of the gradual exhaustion, body weighing you down, faster than you can keep up with. Your head, drooping lifelessly from a previously erect posture. There is absolutely no strength left to haul yourself forward and up. Forcefully, you lift your head up to gauge how far away you are from your goal. Nevertheless, everything begins fogging up that you can't figure out images clearly. You are clueless about your current location, uncertain about the future, oblivious about the past. The only option left is to advance forward despite your weariness.

One last hurl then you are there. You persisted, and eventually succeed. Carving a smirk across the corner of your lips, you are now on top of the world. Invincible.

You find yourself resting on a horizontal plane. Reluctantly, you glide along casually till you come to a complete halt upon reaching the edge. Overlooking the spectacular view ahead, you really wish that time could pause the moment right there, where you are at the pinnacle of your life. That best second that you wouldn't mind reliving for the rest of your breathing moments. Except, you have to move on, as driven by your animal instincts - greed, curiosity, and everything in between. You have the delusion that you share with every peer; something greater is bound to happen in the near future. Hence, you have to chase it, instead of rationalizing out of it. That delusion, just simply irresistible.

Taking in the last deep breath you will ever do at that same spot, you allow your brain to engulf as much as it can to create a lasting memory of this haven of exquisite tranquility. One last blink of the eyes, then off you go, set forth in search for a new hope, an unknown goal, a novel dream.

As you go downhill, you just sit back and enjoy the thrill. This could easily be one of the best experiences in your life. Just feeling the downward momentum pulling you down and forward, while adrenaline pumps towards the opposite direction, circulating via the bloodstream throughout your body. Cool breeze swings by for a gentle stroke on your cheek. Fresh air surges into your lungs as the diaphragm expands.

Feels great isn't it? Feels like your body just rejuvenated from an exhausted state after all the struggle uphill. Feels like you can never get enough of this thrill.
The contentment. Nothing in this world is strong enough to shatter any complacency residing in this pure moment of bliss
,

Unfortunately, after the thrill, comes another uphill, then it all goes back to square one. A vicious cycle that no one can escape from.

Life.

.

Today will be a delightful sunny day. The rain clouds will slide away and clear up the sky.
Today will be a delightful sunny day. Oh, have faith that it will be.

5.13am and signing off.

Love,

Evelyn Lee

spontaneity,

Orchestra Suite No. 3 in D Major by J.S. Bach

"In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away." - Shing Xiong

a walk to remember

.

Friday, May 31st, 2013.

I spent this last day of the month with ample of room for spontaneity.

I woke up, feeling fresh. Went to campus, had a wonderful date with Mr. Grand. Ran some errands, met some friends, did some homework.

They all felt like routines, until this flush of mood came: I wanted to eat ice-cream!

I have no idea where this spontaneity came from, but this sudden craving for ice-cream was driving me nuts! I was rather desperate for some nice, chill ice-cream in this hot day out.

So I gathered some people and together, we headed down to this little ice-cream place.

They had many flavors of ice-cream but they all came in a cup. I needed the experience of eating ice-cream out of a cone. That was part of the plan. That was part of the craving. I just had to forgo those fancy flavors and stuck to the standard regular twist that I already adore so much :)

,

We missed the SA shuttle to Walmart. No biggie.

Teased Sanchir with my sidekick, Baek by attempting to sing 忐忑. No biggie.

Random coin-tossing, which result was ignored and forgone the shuttle ride to Walmart eventually. No biggie.

Officially met Jeshi, and a new-found friend, Vanessa. Reconnected with old friends. No biggie.

Short walk back to retrieve the poor little brown Aero messenger bag from in front of the ACC, just because the owner absent-mindedly abandoned it there with all the most important things and documents in there. No biggie.

Had an awesome dinner, which I did nothing to help out at all. Pleasurably guilty. No biggie.

Long conversation that eventually led to learning 日本語 from Iori-chan. No biggie.

Sober moments amongst 酔うてる people. No biggie.

Sanchir, smiling with his bloodshot eyes, drunk-talking, was certainly very entertaining.

We ended up playing this drawing game that he came up with.

Think outside of the box, so he said

.

The half moon was blood red. The majestic sight of it put me into an instant trance. Out we went, chasing the moon. Spontaneity.

I especially adore those long talks, cool breeze against our cheeks, gentle fluorescent street light, leaves rustling in the background. Subconsciously, the 1.3 miles trail walk turned into an adventure further down to the port. Spontaneity.

"Do you guys have a boat down there? This is a private property."

Woah, that was not friendly at all. Seemed to me like he almost wanted to kick butt or something.

Our initial plan: climb onto one of the boats and chill there. Apprehended by a guy who pulled up his car beside us. Spontaneity

.

Tranquil. The atmosphere was.

Quiet. The moon was.

Serene. The stars in the sky were.

Placid. The water was.

Composed. Our thoughts were.
Deep. Our breaths were.

The moments felt surreal. Unemcumbered by worries. Just two heartbeats, expressing profound truths about each other in simple language.

As we spoke at great length about various things, our eyes were inevitably drawn in by the picture perfect scenery.
Engulfing in all that we can, how I wish time would spare us our youth, spare us moments like this.
The moon, playing peekaboo with us by sliding in and out of the clouds occasionally.
Its moonlight, reflected upon by the calm water, leaving a faint streak of glimmering lights on the surface.
The smithereens of stars, suspending millions of light years away from us. The source of those twinkling lights that we now perceive may have been long gone, exploded. Nevertheless, they left us with such glow and hope that keeps us going.

Still remember how I was quivering whenever the cool breeze sweeps by to greet us abruptly. Cold hands, cold feet, but was fortunate enough to have another pair of hands and feet warming those up
.

An hour and 15 minutes to sunrise. We just had to keep on going since we were already half way there. Spontaneity.
3.45am. We headed back to my apartment to gather some equipments that include water, jackets and camera
,

Sunrise at Champlain Park wasn't quite complete without the actual sunrise. Thick cotton clouds were obstructing the morning rays from blessing our tender skin with Vitamin D.

Nonetheless, the scenery was magnificent.

 Ducks were paddling around in the water in pairs, waddling on the grass in pairs, while we sat there on the edge of the stone barrier, in a pair.

At the end of it, we bid goodbyes with nice long hugs
Finally, what feels like Friday, ended with a nice warm shower and snuggling in bed with my favorite childhood plushie :)

...

a tacit confession of affection, perhaps?

Love, Eve

Change. GE 13.

When all hell breaks loose, keep calm and carry on

.

This could definitely be applied to my current academic situation, as well as (more importantly) the situation in my home country, Malaysia. Today, may or may not be the day that Malaysia creates history. My country's general election is today. As much as we all want a fair election, there's always those kind of people, who mess things up, who cheat, who don't play fair. There's always those kind of people. Am I not right?

For many years, my country's people has been battling with the government, who on the surface made everything seemed like our country is such a democratic one, but in reality resembles more authoritarian.

NO! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Along the way, comes people who realized how much Malaysia has been handicapped by the ruling power. Along the way, formed different organizations, aiming to create awareness for a better country, a better government.

Bersih! This means "clean" in malay.

What more do I need to say? The people has spoken! We want a country free from corruption, free from oppression, free from racial discrimination, free from racial segregation! We want a truly united nation, a place where everyone feels belonged, feels safe. We want a place all Malaysian could call "home".

General Election. Today.

Please. I urge all Malaysians. Deliberate before casting your votes today. Our country has been governed by the same ruling party ever since Independence Day in 1957. It could definitely afford some change. Let us usher in real peace and harmony within the country by voting for the better. We don't want to be ruled by fear, threats and scams anymore! We want a safe country to live in! We want a truly united nation by heart and soul, not through propagandas and phony slogans because we all know that behind the politicians' elegant facades lie a lifestyle of grotesque luxury and hypocrisy.

Most importantly, stay safe.

GE 13. Ubah! Ini kalilah!

Much love from the States,

a fellow Malaysian

being you,

One Sweet Love by Sara Bareilles

that journey of self-discovery

that journey of discovering what I truly want

.

You know how I feel about people who don't even bother to try? It is like:

"Why would you look down on people who work hard to achieve their goals? The people you should be looking down upon are those who are like you, who don't bother to try, yet at the same time, criticise and patronise people who end up to be more successful than yourself because of their efforts."

Honestly, ultimately, you live your life for yourself. If you want to be as competent as others, do it! Work hard towards it! Better yourself! Don't just sit there and expect rewards to come. Don't just sit there waiting for each shooting star to cut across the sky so that you can make a wish upon it because before you know it, you would be too preoccupied with admiring the beauty of those and fail to make a wish yourself.

People wish for miracles for happen. It does happen once in a while, so don't be completely discouraged by the realistic world. Nevertheless, miracles don't always happen without catalyst. You are the catalyst. You hear people saying "I'm trying."

How about changing your approach and say "I'm working on it." instead?

Trying does not show effort. Working on something is showing effort and effort is an indispensable element towards success.

"Genius is 1 percent inspiration, 99 percent perspiration." - Thomas Edison

Feed on your motivation, not procrastination!

Once in a while is fine. At least you know that you won't burn yourself out.

Yours,

Pei Ning

heavy.

Today Was a Fairytale by Taylor Swift

she's an Angel

.

before i came to Des Moines, i was Extremely Excited because i can finally Meet my Brother again.

you Know i know That.

now, Two weeks is up and it is Time for me to Leave this place when i Finally began to get Comfortable and Familiar with the faces and the places here.

the People, whom i grew Closer to as Time passes by. those who were so Friendly that made me feel Belonged. i Thank those, whose Hearts were so Kind, Loving and Caring.

you Know that i Feel so Incredibly Nostalgic as time for me to Leave drew Closer Gradually.

during the Sacred Giving and Sacred Receiving Ceremony, emotions ran Wild, self Control almost Gave in. Though, numbers were Less Important.

the feeling of leaving to the US is Back all over Again, which Ironically, True.

Heavy Hearted.

Significance of Absence Prevailed.

Yours truly,

Evelyn

insecurity.

You and I by IU

3am. I was walking in the snow with a companion back from Drake University campus.

The occasional wind drove chill, fast as lightning up my spine. I was only dressed in my laced strap, covered by my thin fuchsia pink Nike jacket. The ground was already covered completely by a rather thick layer of even snow. So fluffy as I stepped on it.

That feeling when your conscience is constantly banging at the back of your mind when you are consciously destroying something exquisite and flawless. That was it every time i lay a step on the ground. Whoever feel sad and sorry when stepping on the ground? That was me, yesterday.

Turned around, two sets of footsteps trailed behind. It was just like footsteps in the sand, except this time it was snow instead. We started fooling around, creating funny patterns on the ground despite feeling excruciatingly cold. Walked in circles, thinking that people who will see our footprints in the future will think that we were lost souls. Acted like fools, thinking that the university police will wonder what we were up to at 3 in the morning.

Most of all, there was the feeling of insecurity. It was that if there was anybody with evil intentions out there, our tracks can be easily traced and the bad guy will know where we were heading to. He will follow our tracks and back to our home and...

Well, it was just a thought, but not something to take for granted. I still think untouched snow is dangerous as such.

(picture credit: loveforliana.com)

Pei Ning

overflow;

If We Ever Meet Again by Katy Perry ft Timberland

Ironic, perhaps this is. Common, perhaps this is. Overrated, perhaps this is.

Heck I'm still going to write about it.

As a new year is approaching, 2012, and some say the year when the world is coming to an end, still everybody talks about creating a new year's resolution, everybody talks about a chance to a fresh start, a new beginning, a new chapter, bla bla bla (you can pretty much sense the negativity in this post already. you're wrong).

The past year, I didn't expect myself to gain as much as I expected from the previous year. I did feel myself growing up, not much physically but mentally. A common saying would be - when you study abroad, you will have a whole new experience, see so much to learn from and grow up from within. I thought it would be a cliché. Nonetheless, I was rather taken aback by the outcome
.

Of course, the year started by all the crazy things applying for universities in the US. I would say I have never done such a thing and that got my hands, fingers and brain nerves all tangled up in the process. When that part of the chapter was over, I felt the HUGE relief and I could finally exhale to a never-ending exhalation that I pushed out all the air I could from my lungs. Then, I started choking on another complicated chapter. It is true that nothing comes easy.
True that I had heaps of fun after my last semester at HELP ended that I went off to an adventurous backpack trip to Europe with my family and several other road trips in Malaysia. Next thing I know was that the universities were starting to send their replies and me getting to know that I have gotten accepted into all of the universities that I have applied to. What a waste of time and money if I were to know that getting accepted into these universities will be easier than expected.
Deciding on the university to go to wasn't easy at all. Loads of things to take into consideration. In the end, I landed my choice on a university located in the peaceful suburbs near the Adirondack mountains approximately 7 hours up North from New York City close to the border of Canada at Montreal side. Preparation to come to US seemed so surreal at that time.
Also, it changed a great deal of who I was, a well protected chick who remained under the wings of my lovely parents for many years. Finally, I was preparing to take flight. Each step I took, each attempt I made did not go as well as I would like it to be. Being the emotional self, of course, I broke down. I remember locking myself in the room, plunged into the bed and cried my pillow wet. Oh how hard I cried, till my head was dizzy, till I hyperventilated, till I see little sparks suspended in the middle of my vision, till I needed oxygen so badly. Then, comes papa to the rescue. Talked me through all my sceptical view points. At least I didn't decide to give up there
.

The Summer went past so swiftly and unsoundly, from which, I outgrew some of my fears. When it was time for me to leave, I left, almost quietly and calmly, leaving behind the nest where I was born, grew up and learned from, leaving behind the people I love, the memories built. It was all nostalgic, but I knew from the bottom of my heart that it was all for the better. I left with a determined heart. I left strong, shedding scarcely a tear on the aeroplane when I gazed out the tiny window to a golden sunset.
Here I am in the Minneapolis, Minnesota, enjoying the winter break after a confused semester that past. Did not regret my decision to go to SUNY Plattsburgh, did not regret the past semester. In fact, I ended the semester with a bang, scoring myself a proud 4.0 and made it into the Dean's List. So what? Most importantly, I enjoyed my Intro to Public Speaking class with Nora and my classmates. Even though the class was small, the nerve to give speech was always there. Nevertheless, I am proud to announce that I have finally managed to overcome the extreme nerves before giving a speech. You might wonder how? I wonder too, but all I could say was that with sufficient preparation, provided with clear guidelines on the process to preparing a speech was crucial. In the last class of the semester, we were required to give an impromptu speech based on random objects that we drew from the plastic bag that Nora walked around the class holding. I think I did surprisingly well. Nora agreed as well, said after all my speeches throughout the semester especially the persuasive speech, that I was an extremely good speaker and hope that I would be able to join her public speaking team. An A++ I scored for my persuasive speech, according the Nora, a score that she seldom even give unless the speaker is incredibly impressive. I should be pretty damn good I guess.
College Writing class was another challenge. I broke down in the middle of the semester, totally confused and lost, clueless about what my lecturer wants. Till now at the end of the semester, I wouldn't say that I clearly know what she wants, but am slowly figuring out closer to the end of the last class. Really, she was a hand full. At the beginning of the semester, I was seeing my A in that class through an open cylinder. After going through all the hard work and tough time finding my way out the complicated maze, I saw my A through a labyrinth of journey. Planning to be a tutor for next semester's College Writing class in hope to earn some extra dough.
For other subjects like Gen Psych Lab and Psych Stats, I wouldn't say that they were easy, but they were manageable for me and I put a little more effort to make sure that I secure my grades. Would probably say that the results were unnecessarily strong, but still glad and proud of myself
.

As we are turning the page to a new year, I would just like to say that life, does not necessarily have to start all over from the previous year. Somehow, 1st of January is just another day to me and the day goes on. So if you feel the need to change your life at any point of the year, please do so. You certainly do not have to wait for a new year to do so. However, many would like to go with it since the year and the semester has gone by and for some of you, the school year has ended. Just want to point out that it is unnecessary to wait for a new year to change yourself to be a better person than before.
Also, some of you may have the habit of making a new year's resolution. Or, some of you are probably starting to pick it up due to the hype about it. Please please please, make one that is realistic to you, make one that you think is achievable and make sure that you follow your heart when making one. If you have a very ambitious dream that you don't think is achievable within a year, don't be too disappointed! Set a short term goal that you can achieve that clears a path towards your long term goal! Of course also, resolutions are something that you can always make any time in the year, not only during new year. It is just like a to-do list. Once you have completed one, check it off your list. You'll never know the extreme satisfying feeling that you get whenever you get to check something off your list. For starters, like me, I'll always stick with a big goal in mind, but make a small list in Note on my phone that I can check any time any where so that I make sure I do whatever that is necessary to achieve my final goal
.

I know this is a lot, but I am going to need you to trust me just this once.

Have a blessed and awesome new year everyone!
2012 may be the end, but just live on anyway. You'll never know the future.

Signing off for the last time in year 2011,

with much love, x

Pei Ning

nothingness.

Don Omar by Danza Kuduro ft Lucenzo

Feeling of nothingness brought me here.

It is Thurday, November 24th 2011. It is Thanksgiving night in the United States. It is a holiday season.

Tomorrow, November 25th 2011 is Black Friday, the biggest shopping spree of the year in the United States. I am in my dorm room, all alone in my section, along with a hand full of a few others in the whole of Adirondack Hall, along with a few more others in all the other dorms of SUNY Plattsburgh, all minding our own business, trying to entertain ourselves while time passes by.

I had my laptop volume turned to the maximum, blasting music all the way, seeing that there is no one around to be disturbed by my extremely loud music. No one. Just me.

I am just waiting for time to pass. Dinner time. Bed time. For tomorrow I shall wake up extremely early in the morning, where some night owls will still be awake then. I shall wake up and get dressed; in my winter coat, in my winter fur boots. I shall walk out into the cold dry air, where white snow lingers, on the pavements, on the tree branches. I shall seize my chance and catch the shuttle that brings me to the crowd. The crowd, such a big contrast to the people left in my dormitory, for it is Black Friday. The crowd, too big that it is annoying. The crowd, unwanted. I shall walk into the mall, walk around aimlessly while i search for the best deals I can ever get. If all else fails, I shall walk home empty handed, for i am too late, for all the best deals are gone by the time i arrive.

Till then, I shall come home, all by myself again. I shall wait for time to pass again. Meal time. Bed time.

The next morning, I shall wake up to the same cycle, but this time, some of the people will begin to return. I will then meet up with some of my friends who will return. But till then, I will still be waiting.

I am waiting. I will still be waiting, for the best gift to return. Better than any gifts in the world for that gift is irreplaceable. That one and only.

Happy Thanksgiving lovelies ♥♥♥ :)

Toodleloo~

love,

evelyn

momentarily;

Together - Ruben Studdard

this is a perfect song. perfect vocal. perfect song to drive the turbine of emotions. i get chills listening to this song every time without fail. i still wonder why doesn't he get famous after American Idol though

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today, i realized, life can be so fragile. so vulnerable.

just two weeks back, my Critical Reading lecturer, Bryan, introduced me to this remarkable person, Wangari Maathai. at first, i was completely baffled by this new topic and this new person. she was introduced to me with such great impact that i was immediately impressed become envious of her achievements. she was the first African woman to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for her contribution in sustainable development, democracy and peace. she was well known for her Green Belt Movement that aims to create a better environment for our future generation.

today, i was devastated. i was flabbergasted to the news of her death. i felt that i have not enough time, to embrace her presence on this earth, to accept the fact that i am sharing this planet with such a great person who came out with so many great master ideas, so powerful, rhetorical and influential in her personality. just as she came into this earth silently, she left quietly, bringing with her nothing else, instead leaving back with us a great legacy.

September 25th, 2011 is when the world will mourn for the departure of another great soul, someone who made changes to the world.

"We did not inherit the Earth from our ancestors, instead, we borrowed from our children."

Something to think about.

An event that i attended, the Peace and Justice Conference lead by the Poetree. It was really inspiring and touching. The two women from Brooklyn, how they showed and taught me things that i never was aware of, things that i took for granted, things that i neglected. they reached out and touched my heart through the words from the poems they recited. the words, so powerful and strong that made me cry.

Vy, the vietnamese girl who was sitting beside me, criticized me for crying at their poem. "such a cry baby." she said. at the back of my head, i was thinking "Just because you don't understand or appreciate the poems, doesn't mean that i should not as well." I really thought she was shallow that time. yet, i took pity on her for missing out on such a great thing. it meant so much to me and i believe, their words touched many others in the events they had before and will have in the near future, and many other people around the world they travelled to. it was really overwhelming. the pieces of scraps containing messages by people all around the world that they sewed together to form long strips of cloth. the messages, so powerful with different messages of people of different skin color, different backgrounds, no stereotyping, no discrimination, just plain unity, humanity, all aiming for the common goal. people are brought together just by the strong faith and believe in something. it was incredible.

Of course, i wrote a message as well, hoping to inspire another soul or many others with my words.

from the bottom of my heart;

signing out, proceeding with the work i have in hand,

love,

evelynlee

the beauty.

Con Te Partiro - Andrea Brocelli 

It was so mesmerizingly hypnotizingly amazingly incredibly beautiful out there tonight. the scenery is just captivating. so picture perfect that i stopped my foot pace in the middle of the night on the dark pavement, cold and alone, just admiring the beauty.

the moon, so bright it appears, although not as round. mooncake festival is coming next Monday. the idea of not being able to celebrate this special festival this year with my family is just heart wrenching. reminiscing how we used to set up party tables outside in the car porch of our house, eating mooncakes, drinking Chinese tea, while the young ones will just play along with candles, fire and beautiful lanterns of different shapes.

it was then, the past, when there were children in the neighborhood. just almost every house will have beautiful lanterns and candles lighted up. the atmosphere was completely filled with warm and relaxed ambience. nothing to worry about. just the beauty of the Chinese tradition.

this year, i will be seeing the moon from a 180 degrees turn from where i came from, some place where my loved ones are waiting patiently for my return one day, somewhere a part of my heart will always remains, somewhere i call home.

just tonight, the moonlight was so bright it felt like a different day time. oh how it shines brilliantly in the midst of the dark blue sky where little stars are blinking adorably around it. oh how it dazzles me by hiding shyly behind the beautiful pine trees. oh how it compliments the white lights along the pavements. oh how it looks so perfect hanging above the beautiful red bricked building. oh how all the aforementioned combined is simply flabbergasting and fresh.

this is a sight that i have never came in contact with but one that i fell in love almost instantly the moment i lay eyes on it. completely overwhelmed.

till fall creeps a little more closer to me, before the winter comes, it will be extremely beautiful, with maple leaves all over the ground. in fact, i am already seeing some, little maple leaves outside my residence hall where there's maple trees and pine trees.

i bet it'll be beautiful. with some winter sonatas playing in the background, you will find me dancing along the campus with that little hoodie that i'll put on and my new blue canvas shoes. that little girl whose smile never gets old. the little girl that resides in me forever.

till the day comes,

i will be waiting.

love,

peining

ms inappropriate.

Classical Radio

i do not know what is with my life that almost every single thing that i do, has to go wrong at some point.

and it has totally nothing to do with me!

it is like getting my mails or packages. others get theirs without much trouble, while i have to go through a whole bunch and more waiting before i get them.

or, my name doesn't seem to be on the list whereas everyone's is. whatever happened to my name when i submitted along with everyone else?

or, my stuff is always wrong when everyone has no problem with theirs.

why do i always have to do the extra steps to get things right?

it is like the probability of my things getting right is so low that i actually cheer with joy every time it does. can you imagine how tragic that is?

i am so sick of this.

extremely tired of it.

i get run over anyways, even though i am running away.

i am sorry i get emotional all the time. i am sorry i feel sad all the time. i am sorry i isolate myself when i do. i am sorry i act like a total freak in front of everybody. i am sorry i appear to be a weirdo to you. i am sorry i am forgettable. i am sorry i am not significant. i am sorry people don't appreciate me and the things i do. i am sorry. i will try to be invisible from now on so that i won't become such a nuisance to everyone's life. i am sorry i am causing you all the misery.

often, when i have cried to the point that i am exhausted and about to shut off?

i remind myself before i black out, that one more tear i shed, is one more tear closer to feeling alright again.

ning

disconnected.

The Best You Never Had - Leona Lewis

home,

.

Somehow, whenever i log on to Facebook and enter the homepage, i feel like there's this boundary between my home, my friends back home, my life back home. As they talk about the most random things, even going to an island like Redang, i have this deep temptation to join them, mainly because i am not able to. Of course, you will understand how when you are interdicted or deliberately deprived from something that you crave for it badly.

Some people ask me if i am experiencing or have experienced any form of home sick feelings. My response? Simply stare at them with this completely clueless facial expression and shake my head.

Nope. Nothing. Nil.

No! It wasn't because i don't love home or not close to home or not family oriented. I am!

The wonders of technology has played a crucial role in bringing home closer to my heart despite me being more than 10,000 miles apart from home. I am literally on the opposite side of the earth, seeing that I am exactly 12 hours behind the Asia Pacific time zone.

Skyping with my parents when they are at home can be really comforting at times. With the occasional cuckoo sounds are just simply nostalgic. Just the sounds of those are enough to bring tears to my eyes.

Nevertheless, knowing that i am not the only one experiencing this, some may be even worse, the people in Plattsburgh, the ISS staff, the lecturers, the admin, the workers, the students etc. Literally everyone around me are so friendly and open. People around me are always smiling so cheerfully, wishing each other a great day ahead, asking each other about how their days went when they bump into each other. Whether this is an American thing or is everyone just so perfect and radiant i do not know. But, the positive aura here is just constantly exploding and renewing like nuclear energy.

Unlimited. Forever. Constantly. Never ending.

No reason to feel blue. No reason to feel depressed. As everyone's here for each other.

Furthermore, the amount of reading and work given just in the first two weeks are just overwhelming, leaving no room for emotions and procrastination. Just working the ass off.

Of course, not forgetting fun. Playing Mario Kart with them people are just fun. Kyle and Jeremy? They are just extremely friendly people you'll even get addicted to hanging out with them.

I love my roommate for we still maintain very good relationship and she really likes me. Hope this goes on of course. Need to clean the floor though heh...

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Night is settling. Just in a few more hours the sun will come back up and take over the world.

Shall be heading to bed then. Will miss the playlist and the amazing headphones.

the hand dryer in the toilet is very scary. it triggers by itself even when there's no one there. lets just pray hard its just the screwed up machines inside or we'll have to call the ghostbusters.

Oh how i love my RA and how she jokes around. She reminds me of Beauty from Beauty and the Beast. Watch out for those amazing smiles!

Goodnight toodles!

evelynlpn

back to authenticity...

I Love You This Big - Scotty McCreery

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it. - Margaret Fuller

Imparting knowledge is only lighting other men's candles at our lamp without depriving ourselves of any flame. - Jane Porter

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I like it when there's no electricity. I like the eccentricity of relying only on candle lights, the authenticity of carrying the candle stand everywhere I go.

It is like you're a step closer to the past where electricity has not existed yet, or maybe like the aborigines living in the outskirts, in the jungle, miles away from the hustle bustle of the city.

It is like nothing else when you can just sit down and chill without being in front of your laptop, or the television, but just you and the quiet surroundings. Noticed how the entire place becomes quiet when the electricity just gets cut off? No more sounds coming from the TV, the video playing on the laptop, the songs on the radio. Nothing. Nil.

I like how the shadows of opaque objects are cast on the walls and appear like they are having a festival and partying the night away, dancing along with the flickering of the small fire at the tip of the candle stick.

Nevertheless, when the electricity is cut off, the air cond stops working, the electrical fans stops working, even the ceiling fans seize to work as well! Being in Malaysia, a tropical country, having no electricity is a taboo because without any cooling devices working, we'll probably sweat ourselves to death at the end of the day. It is that bad. Plus, the raging and aggressive mosquitos these days, before you even die of the extremely hot weather, you'll probably get stung to death or itch to death already. Lets just pray hard that those mosquitos that stung you weren't harmful.

Pity those who are rushing assignments or studying for an exam though. Having no electricity is the worst thing that can ever happen to one going through all these things. Can you imagine having all your exam notes all saved in the laptop but your laptop battery is dying yet the electricity is not coming back any time soon? Same thing goes to you rushing your assignments? Can you imagine having to study using only candle lights and you're already so sleepy yet you have to stay awake because you barely read anything and your paper is tomorrow morning? LOL. All I can say is - Good Luck *fingers crossed*

So, there you go! The beauty and ugly of having no electricity. Mehh...

Celebrity fun facts:

I always wanted to get married with just candles! I think candlelight is the most beautiful light there is and there's something very spiritual about it. - Nicole Kidman

You know, maybe I was just born in the wrong time, but I love all things romantic. Puffy understands that. For my last birthday, he covered my hotel room floor with rose petals and had flowers and candles all over the room. - Jennifer Lopez

I'm out for now!

Evelyn

crazy.

At The Cross - Hillsongs

Sometimes, somethings, even though it is against the norm of a society, it is not necessarily wrong. For instance, when we talk about crazy people. What makes you describe that certain person who behaves differently crazy? Just because he talks to himself, constantly mumbles, smiles at his own jokes, talks to the wall, talks to non-living objects, that alone makes him crazy? Don't you think it is a little too judgemental and stereotypical? Of course, it is not entirely wrong to describe him as peculiar or odd. But, many chose the word 'crazy'. 'Crazy' is such a strong word. So, do be extra careful when using this word as it can be very hurtful to the other party.

Won't you try to understand why he does that despite knowing what others may think of him?

Won't you try to think from his perspective and try to understand him instead of labeling him under the much undesirable group?

Obviously, we are living in the 21st century already. Everything around us is so fast-paced it is already a trouble keeping up with. So, who will actually take the time out to bother so much about something no one gives a shit about? Truth is, everyone will have their time. It is just a matter of time and situation.

Just imagine, if one day, you have this much of unsolved problems and tangled feelings that you need someone to talk to, even though that someone can't be much of a help. But, there's no one around you who is willing to spend their precious time to listen about your petty problems because they are simply too busy with their own business. What will you do? Just simply keep them all in even though you know you can't contain no more? At this point of time, people will deduce that you are going crazy. Know why? Because you start talking to non-living objects yourself and smile with relief after you have done so. Or you could even cry in the process of ranting to the wall or something. What outsiders may think of you? That's right. They think you have gone crazy. They may even go around spreading the news about how they saw you talking to the wall as if it responses to you and crying in the process and laugh about it as a joke!

Hold on a second. Rewind that tape. Rewind that whole scenario.

Didn't you once do that to another person who did the exact same thing as what you are doing right now? Now, think about it. Are you even right in the first place?

If you are still with me, congratulations. You have realized that you are once a stereotypical hypocrite and i hope that you will change that negative thing about you. At least, try. And, once you realize this, who knows, you might find a new philosophy of life? Or feel like you are a step closer to being a better person?

Life is not only about you. It is also about the people around you, the people you interact with. Being individualistic ain't always a good thing.

Always keep an open mind and a compassionate heart. - Phil Jackson

A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination. - Nelson Mandela

Have a good day ya'll...

EvelynLee

scraps for real.

Jay Sean's album shuffling...

You know how much I enjoy just being together with you and not doing anything else?


You are handsome to me.
It is a statement. Not a question.

Girl: Beware. I can be dangerous.
Guy: Oh really? Enlighten me if you care.
Girl: I bite when I am upset. Anything I see, I bite.
Guy: Not a problem. You are never to bite anymore as long as you are with me.

Something about your scent that lingers on my palm, my shirt or even the sofa after snuggling with you for a long time. Nevertheless, a long time seems like it's never long enough for me.


Sometimes when I say 'I'm okay', I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me real tight and say, 'I know you're not'.

I absolutely love it when you said you love my smile, that specific smile that you said I don't really show because I am always giving out the shy smile when I am around you.


I am a weird child with weird beliefs, superstition and fetish. I hope everyone is cool with it because if you are a friend or a follower of my blog, you will slowly unveil the weird me. I hope it is not terrifying.

I had a dream last night that this small village I was living in was soon to be conquered by this evil and devilish devil, or phantom, whichever it is. So I was gathering all my food sources to last me and my family for the whole three months. The whole dream was all just about me gathering my food sources and how I kept on scanning the place for evil vibes. That dream made my heart beat so fast even when I woke up into reality. I sadistically love dreams like this.


Today I had another injection. It is the fourth one in a month already. When the doctor asked if I will cry out loud, then I realized I sadistically love injections till the extent of looking forward to having the doctor poke that needle into my thin layer of skin and inject the content within the syringe. I could be a dangerous sadomasochist.

I had a surge of inspiration. Must be the wisdom tooth's exit - Jo Keat Ng

I am sincerely scared of pulling teeth actually. I used to cry so much the night before, before I leave home to the dentist, before entering the room, I had to stop before the dentist will inject the anesthetic. Till now, it is not as severe, but my heart still beats a thousand times faster than normal before pulling my teeth. I am still scared underneath.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.


Love a vicious cycle. Yet I willingly allow myself to fall back to square one every time.

I like to cuddle. Your arms around me, our bodies touching, I like the warmth I get from being next to you. The occasional kisses on the forehead. The smiles I get when we look at each other. Hearing your breath when it gets quiet. How I can hear your heartbeat when my head is on your chest. I feel safe, comfortable and I smile like an idiot the whole time.


When I start to wonder why I bother tolerating so much of your shit, then I realize that you probably tolerate a lot of mine too.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I get jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could. I guess it is by insecurities acting up. Because I know that I'm not the prettiest, smartest or most fun and exciting. I'm sorry I'm not sexy or anything. But, I do know that no matter how hard and long you look, you'll never find somebody that loves you and tolerates you like I do.


You're one of those people that I need in my life like oxygen. I can't stand not talking to you, I think about you all the time. I need you.

It is when the rest of the day doesn't matter because your morning started like crap. It is when the rest of the day matter because your morning started with a wish and a kiss.


Today, I drowned myself into insignificance and ignorance. They felt good. Every part of it. And then I realize, that something that meant so much to me didn't matter as much now when I take a step back. It is always good to admire that beautiful scenery from afar than being in it. I hope things stays like that as long as they can.

A nice heart to heart chat with someone whom I never thought I would share thoughts with was better than ever. Knowing the fact that my shit can't do much harm to him as well as his can't do much harm to me. Still did not change what I aim for though. I hope my heart is pointing me the right direction. Or, that I am interpreting what it tells me accurately.


Hope you don't mind the random thoughts. I just need to be heard. That's all. Thank you for reading.

Evelynlpn

marathon :)

Standing In The Rain - Jamie Scott and The Town

There's something that the more you do it, the more you lose. Its is shopping.

It was like I was back in Europe, the amount of walking was devastating. Any normal people would think my family has some crazy walking disease or probably crazy in the head.

Anyways, as the title suggests, I have been doing some crazy walking in the mall ever since I came back from Europe. We still walk a lot and of course, some splurging here and there heh

...

Sleeping with the earphones stuck in both ears is sure uncomfortable. But what other choices am I left with in order to fall asleep? Thoughts are scanning pass my head one after another at such fast pace, leaving no breaks in between. Such mental ordeal is beyond bearable. Even so, there was no 'shut down' button to turn them off or 'sleep' button to put them on hold. This is when music comes into play, serving as the perfect distraction. As a song that fits my thoughts perfectly shuffles into the playlist, emotions come streaming in, filling up the hollowness within. When words fail, music comes into place and bring out every possible emotion left unsaid, hidden beneath that despicable facade and feigned smile. No more going through the tough times alone. Thank you for the music, thank you for being there for me, thank you for always hearing me out, thank you for giving me the best advice, thank you for making me feel belonged and thank you for soothing my troubled heart.

When a girl says 'I love you', always tell her 'I love you more'.

That'll do. That will be more than enough.

Signing out,

LeePeiNing.

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I feel like a joke in life. I do poker face all the time. Am a joker and Batman's scared of me. Me thinks >:)