the whisper of the stars,

If You Can't Sleep by She & Him

Something about spotting shooting stars is that they never fail to make me catch my breath and squeal with great delight.

Stargazing by the lake. What could be more perfect than this? To top that with great companies and a nice can of beer; sheer bliss, it was. The universe was playing a prank on us. "What is this like a joke or something?" The moon has gone missing for the past week and it was still on vacation that night. The stars were in weird positions; the Big Dipper was looking odd and appeared peculiarly huge as compared to normal. Nevertheless, being able to appreciate ten beautiful shooting stars slice across the dark universe was such an experience. I thought to myself: I could never have such experience back in Malaysia, where clouds are constantly shielding the universe from our eyes, warm and humid weather infested with despicable mosquitos
,

Every time I look into the sky at the dark, where it simply gazed back at me, I think of my father. My old man, he never fails to make me feel better about myself. I would always rant out my frustration at him, but he would simply make me realize how insignificant and petty my problems are compared to the limitless, infinite universe. Occasionally, we would talk about the universe and sigh at our trivial existence that we often think so almighty about
.

Bike ride was nice down to the beach. I especially loved how we would play along with my silliness and childish plays, like receiving a mission and attempting to accomplish it. I loved how we had such great chemistry and similarities that made every outing of us together so interesting and much more enjoyable. I loved how we would easily agree on little things, like climbing onto the safeguard's 'throne' after sundown. I loved how we are both photographers so it wasn't awkward to constantly want to take pictures of the gorgeous, jaw-dropping scenery. I loved how we have similar interest and share the love for adventures that brings us to lovely places and discover wonderful memories. I loved how we would lie down on the grass together on a nice casual but chilly night, warming each other while we stargaze. I loved how we would talk about the stars, about us, like nothing else matters. I loved how we would share our comfort food out of the box of magical nuggets from McDonalds. I loved how you held me in your arms and whispered candy canes to me. I loved how we spent the amazing summer together, knowing that right now I am in complete denial that it is coming to an end. I would give anything to relive all those beautiful moments over and over again, because you made me feel like a royalty on an extravagant vacation of simplicity and spontaneity.

This, that I will never forget, that I will bring with me, forever and always.
Thank you for the memories.

Yours truly,

Evelyn

日记。

                              7月18日                                                                    晴

都差不多一个星期了， 身上的伤痕也慢慢的康复，只留下些少的疤痕。真盼望我尽快地康复。有时真好讨厌我自己。说话不经三思。咳，够了。现在只想挖个大洞转进去，从此也不再重现光明。想逃避，但这不是最好的解决方法。想回家去。我走了！不要再给你添麻烦。

心情好烦恼。真烦。佩宁

Enfold.

Rule My World by Kings of Convenience

This Summer is full of spontaneous events, something that I have severely lacked in my life before him.
Just slow strolls in the night after a gorgeous fire sunset clouds. A romantic tête-à-tête that ushered in tears, that precipitated spurts of delightful aches on that fragile and vulnerable heart of ours. The fog sank down from the realm of heaven to cast a gentle veil over the vast land of tranquil.

Up above the heaven stars shone,
down below our pants soaked.
Into each others' arms, we sank,
into each others' world, we drowned;
into each others' eyes, we became mesmerised,
into each others' fingers, we entwined.

It was you and me against the world,
right at that moment,
perfect.

Life is unpredictable, isn't it?

Love,

Eve.

introvert.

Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Belle and Sebastian

I don't think I'm an extrovert. I think on the introvert and extrovert scale, I fall right where it is skewed towards the introvert side. Oh did I mention how scared I feel every time I meet a stranger? Striking up a conversation and keeping it going was never my forte. I am awkward like that.

I don't think I'm memorable as well. Just little cues that I pick up from talking to different people make me realize how I'm always the one who comes and goes off people's mind. "She's okay." That's about it. I think I might actually like that, but there's always exceptions.

I am probably not the most self-confident person out there because of all these little insecurities that I have about myself. I'm not perfect. After all, who is, right?

Just want to regress back to my bubble of ignorance and bliss.

Would you let me be?

Pei Ning

Summer Solstice:

My Ideal by Kenny Dorham

First day of Summer.

What this implies to me is that there are only two things: Sunny; hot, Thunderstorms; humid.

Oh wait. That sounds really familiar. That sounds exactly like Malaysia, all over again

.

Recently, I got the chance to really explore Plattsburgh in depth; something that I didn't get the chance to previously. I realized, this place that I called home for two years now, is actually a very scenic destination for a nature lover like me. I also realized that to be able to optimize your time here in Plattsburgh, to see as many interesting sights as possible, you will need to take the Road Less Travelled. Of course, there is a lot of walking and sometimes hiking, complimenting my plain curiosity and my love for adventure, getting my Converse kicks dirty and wet, all those are worthwhile. Memories will soon be embedded, along with the dust and stains picked up along the miles, in between the threads of the fabric of the shoe.
This is the life of an adventurer, An Explorer.

Stargaze. Who would have known? Who would have appreciated?

Just the little perks of life that will forever be tattooed into your heart, your mind, your soul.

One, Two, Three the count of three,

Lighted up the sky of Spring.

Lifted up sorrowful worries,

Leaving behind a grin of glee.
For once, I didn't have to pretend that the Airplanes in the night sky are like Shooting Stars. For once, once again, my wishes came true. Trice consecutively, criss-crossing through the dark universe, where these beautiful deaths fell from eternity. The night was perfect. Still. Serene. Dry grass. Great companion. Nothing beats the nonchalant chattering, while our heartbeats synchronized orchestrally in this plain wide field of an Oval. Nothing beats the imaginary slow dance at the gazebo.
Night was young when it wasn't.
Frozen in time, when the world wasn't.
Just You and Me, taking a step at a time.
Breathing in the state of divine.

"Sometimes life is about the ability to believe in where you are going even when you're not sure what lies ahead."

Love, ∞

unconditional love;

Freedom and It's Owner by King of Convenience

I know the past Sunday was Father's Day. However, this post is dedicated to not only my old man, but also my first lady

.

Everyday I am reminded of how fortunate I am to have this pair of couple in my life, loving me unconditionally since even before I was born. I may not remember all the wonderful things they have given me when I was an infant, but I can certainly be thankful for the love and care that I have received from looking at the I in the present day

,

When I was young and naive, I used to dislike the fact that I share the same birthday as him.

"Owh shucks, I can't have my very own birthday cake on my birthday. I can't blow all the candles on my own. I'll have to share the limelight with him." *pouts*

Till this date, I still can't believe that I used to be so blinded by those materialistic things that I have overlooked how blessed I am! To share the same birthday as one's father is possibly one of the best gifts in life! Of course, I believe I became his best birthday present in his entire life. Oh I would give anything to see how elated he was when I was ushered into this world.

When I was young and naive, I used to dislike the fact that she is always up against the hair at the back of my neck, constantly pestering me with something and being all nosy.

"Would she stop nagging? Urgh, stating the obvious. I will get to it eventually." *annoyed*

Being away from home definitely made me realise so many goodness to those nagging. Talking to mom helped me understand the myriad reasons behind her altruistic intentions. We would share tears as we converse, despite being thousands of miles away from each other. Of course, it still bothers me from time to time, but instead of throwing tantrums, I would silently consent to her yattering

.

As my age went from single digit to double, I was slowly understanding the true sentimentality of birthdays. I completed elementary school, went on to middle school, graduated from high school, furthered my studies in college. As I do so, I was gradually peeling away the petty and superficial celebrations that most people see as the world to their birthdays, digging deeper and closer into the true nostalgia for this special day;

I no longer long for parties that I never had as a child, cakes, presents, phony greetings and wishes, etc. I just wanted it to be a reminder of how lucky I am to be born to this world. I just wanted it to be a day to be grateful to the best couple in the world, for if it wasn't for their unconditional love, pain and sacrifice, I wouldn't be where I am today, writing to you.

People may scoff at my thoughts about birthdays now. I don't care. I am rebel for a better reason. I'm not like you; I would rather have no wishes than receiving phony ones. But I know, there's always at least two people out there, constantly wishing the best for me, whether or not it is my birthday, and I can never be more indebted to this priceless gift.

I am that person, who wouldn't mind spending her 20th Birthday stuck in an airport and in the air plane, all alone and halfway around the globe, away from home. I am that person, who wouldn't mind giving up on celebrating my birthday because I knew I was heading back to where my heart belongs, to the place and people, more worthy than just a foolish facade of a birthday celebration. I am that person, who knows that no matter where I am or what I do, there's always a place where I can call home, the people I can regress to, and these will never fail to pull my heartstrings.

,

Happy Father's Day to my first love.

Happy Mother's Day to my first hero.

Love,

your youngest daughter

spook,

Schindler's List, Film Score by John Williams

Here I was. Riding my bicycle as swiftly as possible past the midnight cemetery.
It would probably be one of the harder decisions I had to make that Saturday night.
Going, I cowardly took the route along main street, deliberately avoiding the cemetery route. I'm scared of seeing the supernatural, despite my unusual obsession over documentaries about it. I would swear on that confession.
Nevertheless, I thought twice coming back using the same route I went with as on my way, these two creepy drunk guy shouted at me from across the road, making some drunk comments about my bicycle. Oh yeah. "... BIKE! ... BIKE! ... BIKE!"
This was all I could make out of what one of the guys were shouting at me about. All I took away from his clamoring was something about my bicycle.
The fact that they appeared as if they were about to sprint over in my direction and do something to me, or my bicycle that they were fixated upon if there weren't cars passing by, freaked me out.
Honestly, at this point of time, who would you be more afraid of? Human? Or the supernatural?
,

It was an unnerving experience, coming back. Maybe it was just me, being too vigilant, too paranoid. It was as if I opened up all my chakra points and activated my fight-or-flight system. Besides the crickets and river sounds, I could hear something ringing at the back of my head. Weirdest feeling ever.
I rode my bike up the hill towards the cemetery and the moment I past the junction, I saw this pair of eyes just a little above the ground, staring right into my soul. Those reflective pair of eyes was that of a black cat. Yes. A Black Cat. What a coincidence right? And some say black cats are associated with death and darkness. Perfect timing to get spooked out right? Plus, when I passed by right beside it, the cat didn't make any slight attempt to dodge me at all! It was just staring me down, NASFWG.
That black cat. Spooky.
My own shadow, cast on the dark bitumen pavement was accelerating ahead of me as street lamps slid across me towards my back. Somehow I was concentrating on my paddling and my own shadow, as if I was expecting something out of the ordinary to happen to it or something. I also found myself mumbling, possibly to the supernatural residents in their resting places.
"I don't mean to trespass, but I just want to get home as quickly as possible."
Those words, I kept on repeating under my breath, hoping that it would at least 'save' me from the possibility of dying from being overly petrified if I actually encounter 'one'. Just hoping that they would spare me from experiencing a presence
.

Regardless of my paranoia, I managed to get back, safe and sound. It was late out then. Two in the morning I suppose? Whatever it was, I do not want to pass by the cemetery during the witching time of the night alone, ever again, if possible.
Getting chills up my spine just thinking about it. Plus, the cold wind that night wasn't quite helpful as well :/

Apprehensive,

Evelyn Lee

Self-deception;

Thelonious Monk Quartet - Monk in Denmark

Coin toss logic.

I find myself doing these two things:

1. Toss a coin when I am torn in between two or more alternatives.

2. Trying to make the outcome of the coin toss event consistent with my pre-determined decision (if I already have one).

I am actually reading this book that Vania lent to me, "The Honest Truth about Dishonesty" by Dan Ariely, and came across this small section about cheating yourself.

It was describing the logic behind the coin toss concept:

Basically, when you have two options and can't decide on which, you toss a coin to speed up the decision making process. However, sometimes, you already have a decision in your head, but you don't want to admit to it because the other option is as appealing to you as the one that you have decided to go with. Hence, you want to find an 'external' force to help 'determine' your decision.

If the outcome of the coin toss turns out to be consistent with your decision, you go ahead with it, satisfied. No questions asked.

Nevertheless, if the outcome of the coin toss turns out to be inconsistent with your decision, you would probably 'ignore' the first toss, justify why it wasn't reliable (you didn't toss the coin properly, this is just a trial round, etc.) and go for a second round (this time is for real). You would probably do this until the outcome is consistent with your decision. Or, if somehow, probability is against your will, you would probably ignore coin tossing completely and go with your gut feeling, in this case, your initial decision.
"Screw tossing coins, it is just probabilities anyway, I am going with what I have initially decided."

Self-deception much? I suppose so.

Women are generally rather indecisive creatures. Here, you have one, writing to you about the decision making process.

I find myself pretty indecisive at times. For example, I would be standing in Walmart between the shelves, deciding if I should spend the money to buy this Teddy Graham biscuit that I adore, or I should save up the money for better use. Torn in between decisions, I often have the urge to toss a coin to help speed up the decision making process if I am unable to rationalize myself out to a final decision.

I get several people telling me how coin tossing doesn't really solve any problem.

For me, at least it does. For me, at least I don't toss a coin for important life-changing decisions. I leave coin-tossing to small trivial daily matters. To date, it has been working out pretty well for me! While I learn how to decide faster, I would need to rely on coin-tossing for some time. But really, I rarely toss the coin. I only do when there's people around, waiting on my decision.

I digress.

Another option rather than tossing the coin would be talking to a friend about the options you have and 'seek' advice from them. Sometimes, again, when you already have a decision, and if your friend says otherwise, you would probably provide many different reasons to convince your friend to think the same as you, and eventually 'tell' you your desired decision so that you can proceed with the execution of 'his/her' 'decision'.
Complicated? No. You are the culprit behind making things complicated. You are the culprit behind making things go the way you want to.

Self-deception much? I suppose so.

Till you figure out the functions of your complicated mind, good luck!

hint: you never will ;)

Toodleloo~

LeePeiNing

Psychology of the Mind.

Cello Concerto No. 2 in D Major, H 7B/2 (Op. 101) by Hadyn, Franz Joseph

I have noticed something.

As a pedestrian during a rainy day, you are especially vulnerable.

To what? You may wonder.

To several different things. I would say.

To mother nature. To human nature.

Raindrops.

They don't kill you, those cute little raindrops.

They are harmless to your well being.

But why would I consider that as harmless to me?

The reason is as simple as it can be: I have to look presentable to others, especially if I am going to work. Of course! You don't want to look like you had to swim across a river, conquer a mountain to get to work! Of course not!

People who have a car to commute to work, lucky you, fortunate beings.

People who doesn't even own a driving license, you need to work harder on it.

Water puddles.

Again, they may seem to you like merely an uneven path when it is dry and sunny out. However, be wary of it during a rainy day as you might trip over it, twist your ankle if you step into it by mistake, getting your foot dirty and wet at the very same time, etc.

Whatever it is, don't trivialize it.

Inconsiderate drivers.

These people, of the other two aforementioned factors, are the most despicable 'sugar' in this world.

Oh yes. They just had to pick up speed as they pass by a pedestrian, who is just trying to avoid getting wet by using a mere umbrella to shield the rain. They just had to drive closer to the curb, through the puddle of water so that the water would splash up all over your body. Why not? That's a fun thing to do; seeing other people suffer while you sit back in your leather-coated seat of your brand new CR-V, enjoying your artificial air-condition in this naturally cold and wet morning.

Sadistic bastards.

Diffusion of responsibility.

I believe at some point of your life, you have experienced this at least once.

Human nature.

One time, I was at the zebra crossing, waiting to cross the road. There was this HUGE line of cars from both sides of the road. Of course, I treasure my life by not crossing when there's cars, and not until I see that they are slowing down for me to cross.

Guess what? I ended up waiting for almost 2 minutes before one of the gentleman actually stops for me to cross the road. Everyone else before him? Just simply stared at me while they accelerated past me, following the lead of the 'first' person, who ignored my intention to get to the other side of the road.

"If I don't stop for this lady right here, somebody else would. Somebody has to eventually. I'm just going to pass being the good guy this time, just like everyone else before me."

As you can see, this, perfect example of diffusion of responsibility.

Obligation.

So I was walking down this narrow sidewalk along a very poor conditioned road with many potholes trailing right beside the curb this morning. It was raining hard. Much harder than desired. I was dressed in my clean smart casual office outfit, trying to stay as dry as possible and get to the ACC so that I can board the public transit from there.

The rain, sort of ruined everything for me.

Kudos to this Person, who ruined it for me as well.

Right after this stupid car, there was a large gap before the next line of car coming up. What I did was right before the first car passes by my side, I tilted my umbrella to the side facing the road so that I can shield myself from any potential water splashes I might get from these upcoming cars. What caught me off guard was that the first car, not only slowed down its speed, but also drifted a little away from the sidewalk so that the water would not splash too much towards my direction. Surprisingly, all the subsequent cars treated me with the same degree of courtesy.

That, at least, made up for that jerk before. Thank you.

However, this got me thinking. Would they have done the same if the 'first' person didn't react differently as opposed to not having a pedestrian on the sidewalk? Would they have at least try to dodge the potholes even if the 'first' person didn't?

Could this be because they feel the obligation to keep up with the moral standards set by the model, in this case, the 'first' car?

.

Rant of the day: CHECK!
Thank you for your patience.

Goodnight, pretty.

Evelyn

thrill ride...

The More I See You by Hank Mobley Quintet (1960)

this smell, strangely gratifying to my nostrils. I have no idea where it is coming from, but I suppose I won't be able to find out anyway

.

Isn't it ironic? Thrill ride...

You start off, fresh, enthusiastic, and curious, ready to take on any challenges that come your way. You are pumped! Exhilarated! Eager!

Staring ahead towards the steep slope in front, you manage to convince yourself that you are as mighty as any of those Spartan warriors. You pulled out the vivid but imaginary satisfaction of being on top of that obstacle frontward. Motivated, you charge forward with such thrust that created the thought for a moment that you actually stood a chance. First few moments, you are still feeling the fire, still feeling the burning desire, igniting your sprit and soul with passion. Ahead with your inherent tendency to chase dreams, here and now, you fight your way up.

Out of the blue, you feel Fatigue, inching its way up from your ankle, to your calf, thigh, waist, chest, and finally reaching the head. You are now blatantly aware of the gradual exhaustion, body weighing you down, faster than you can keep up with. Your head, drooping lifelessly from a previously erect posture. There is absolutely no strength left to haul yourself forward and up. Forcefully, you lift your head up to gauge how far away you are from your goal. Nevertheless, everything begins fogging up that you can't figure out images clearly. You are clueless about your current location, uncertain about the future, oblivious about the past. The only option left is to advance forward despite your weariness.

One last hurl then you are there. You persisted, and eventually succeed. Carving a smirk across the corner of your lips, you are now on top of the world. Invincible.

You find yourself resting on a horizontal plane. Reluctantly, you glide along casually till you come to a complete halt upon reaching the edge. Overlooking the spectacular view ahead, you really wish that time could pause the moment right there, where you are at the pinnacle of your life. That best second that you wouldn't mind reliving for the rest of your breathing moments. Except, you have to move on, as driven by your animal instincts - greed, curiosity, and everything in between. You have the delusion that you share with every peer; something greater is bound to happen in the near future. Hence, you have to chase it, instead of rationalizing out of it. That delusion, just simply irresistible.

Taking in the last deep breath you will ever do at that same spot, you allow your brain to engulf as much as it can to create a lasting memory of this haven of exquisite tranquility. One last blink of the eyes, then off you go, set forth in search for a new hope, an unknown goal, a novel dream.

As you go downhill, you just sit back and enjoy the thrill. This could easily be one of the best experiences in your life. Just feeling the downward momentum pulling you down and forward, while adrenaline pumps towards the opposite direction, circulating via the bloodstream throughout your body. Cool breeze swings by for a gentle stroke on your cheek. Fresh air surges into your lungs as the diaphragm expands.

Feels great isn't it? Feels like your body just rejuvenated from an exhausted state after all the struggle uphill. Feels like you can never get enough of this thrill.
The contentment. Nothing in this world is strong enough to shatter any complacency residing in this pure moment of bliss
,

Unfortunately, after the thrill, comes another uphill, then it all goes back to square one. A vicious cycle that no one can escape from.

Life.

.

Today will be a delightful sunny day. The rain clouds will slide away and clear up the sky.
Today will be a delightful sunny day. Oh, have faith that it will be.

5.13am and signing off.

Love,

Evelyn Lee